My special girl

My Lydia has always been my special girl. Her nickname is "Dia" which means the light in hindi. And she so is. I've always admired her independence and self-confidence. She is so strong, bright, caring, and funny. I've definately always thought she was "special". Well today we found out that she is extraordinarily special. My baby has autism. The evaluator that came today has been researching, studying and working with autism for over 20 years. She was very informative and really brought Lydia's truth to light. Her autism effects her social, problem solving, and verbal skills. They talked a lot today about Lydia's world and how it takes a lot to enter it. I have always tried to force my way in, trying to play with her, talk to her, read to her, snuggle her. But it's usually a rarity and always on her terms. I think what breaks my heart the most that as her mother I want to be completely infiltrated in her world, but she doesn't know how to let me in. And also she can't tell me what she needs or wants. She can't really verbalize it and she doesn't know how to gesture for it. Her autism affects her problem solving skills to the point where she doesn't know to reach out to me for help, she feels the need to figure everything out on her own. So she grows frustrated very easily when she can't. Lydia also is hesitant to associate with anyone she can't "figure out". That is why Lucy is pretty much a ghost to her and she wants nothing to do with animals. For her they are all too unpredictable.



I was offered two different programs for her. An autism based program and developmental delay program. The evaluator said most parents who find out their toddlers have autism, they choose the developmental delay program because it is more vague and some of the parents just arn't ready to accept the diagnosis and don't want to deal with it at such a young age. So they'd rather their child be in the delay program and revisit the autism diagnosis after a few years of being worked with in all areas. The autism program is more focused on specific areas of delay due to autsim specifically. And when she is 3 after a year of one-on-one therapies she'd go to a special needs preschool program. So after being told the pros and cons of both, I decided on the autism program. I figure I can't just go about pretending that this isn't part of her. So I am embracing this head on and I want it handled immediately. I figure much like my illness early detection and treatment could only be the most beneficial. Not to mention, I am very much about raising little individuals. There is no "norm" for how I want my girls raised. I want to embrace and support all aspects of them while offering moral guidelines and values. So I choose to love her because of this and not in-spite of this. Autism is a hard pill to swallow but this is part of who she is, and that's okay. I am sure that she will overcome the hardships associated with it and become the bright, creative, expressive child that I know and love. Her differences will enhance her life not hinder it. I will keep everyone updated as therapies progress. And I do believe in trusting this program and I believe that they have her best interests at heart. I am not much one to go with eastern medicine, I am an "all american" type and trust in her doctors and therapists. I know some people feel differently and that's okay. But I am hoping people let me do what I feel is best for my daughter, I am her mother and I will follow my instincts. It's been a long stressful week with Lydia's diagnosis and mine as well. I need to just stay focused on her development and not get too stressed out. Because if I get increasingly worse what good am I gonna be to my girls?



So as I mentioned a bit ago Dr. Hess met with me this week to go over my test results and went over my treatment plans. He is going to move forward with treating me for a severe case of Fibro and RSD. Right now he adjusted my meds again and we are going to see how I respond to these. He also said what I do at home is just as important as the meds. So I need to rest as much as possible and try to find comfort as much as possible, but I need to still be moving. And that's why he wan'ts me to find comfort as much as possible. I have been spending a lot of time in bed when I am not taking care of the girls. I need to find some relief. I can no longer go to water therapy because I don't have a ride. (I still can't drive obviously). The other very imperative thing to my treatment is my stress levels. RSd is so exacerbated by stress and emotions that I need to constantly keep things in check. And I am a worry wart by nature and Dr. hess said I am naturally going to be in a lot of physical stress just due to high pain levels and being so sick. So I need to try not to add to it. Even if I start crying a little bit, the pain is instantly heightened, which usually makes me want to cry more. So I need to keep all of these things in mind as I go about life as usual.

So bottom line is we still need prayers and continued support. And I want to thank all of you that have been so wonderful during this difficult time. It's nice to know that there are some people out there that just have your back no matter what during a time where insecurity breeds second guessing and constant stress. So, I hope everyone is doing well and keeping warm. Much love and soft hugs!!!

Chrissie

When it rains, it pours!

Well I know it has been a long time since I have updated everyone on life in the Patel household and how things are going with my illness. I do apologize, but we've been a bit insane around here. My symptoms are still progressing and changing and the pain does continue to get worse, but I am settling in to my "new" existence. I think the shock factor of how bad I felt has now regressed to the point of eery comfortablility. Our life is starting to resemble the olden days in the fact that I am back to taking care of the kids 4 days a week, which I love. It is extremely painful, but I feel that no matter what I do I will hurt so I might as well reconvene with life. I do have help 2 days a week because my cousin comes over while Chintan is at work and for the full shift too! Plus Chintan is home on Sundays, so we have our family day then. I realize that doing this against the doctors orders could very well put me and my fusion at risk, but I feel the benefits outweigh the risks. With pain disorders in general most people lose a lot of mobility, and I have, but if I stay moving while taking care of the kids it puts off my potential future living on four wheels.
So because of my little sabbatical from mommyhood, I was worried that Lydia was a bit behind developmentally. So a friend of mine mentioned having her evaluated by my county's department of education. They came out and did an assessment and determined that in most areas she's right on track, some areas she's ahead for her age, and unfortunately she is a little behind in a couple areas as well. They said that she scored very well during the assessment so that they didn't need to do a formal evaluation, but if I requested one that they would do it. Man, am I glad that I did it! They came today for day 1 of the evaluation to assess her motor, emotional, and social skills. Well they told me that Lydia presented a lot of red flags for autism. I was so broken hearted and instantly thought it was my fault, that if I hadn't gotten sick and was able to focus a lot of attention on her that she wouldn't have these problems. I started to cry and they assured me that autism is in the brain and it's something she's born with. But I swear when you become a mother you carry a lifetime pass to the guilt club. I am so bogged down with worry and fear that my illness has had a terrible impact on my children.
One of my house rules is that there is to be no anger, yelling, or cussing around the kids and as far as my depression and anxiety go I do my very best not to let the kids see it or feel it. I put on my "happy face" for the girls at all times and expect family to do the same. Chintan and I met with Dr. Toll (pain psychologist) and we discussed the kids at length along with a lot of our major stressers right now besides the obvious. It's all mainly financial and lack of sleep. But Dr. Toll was very proud of us for always putting the kids and their well-being first and foremost in our lives and for our positive, spiritual outlook. Although he reassured me that I was doing everything I still worry that it's not enough. On the days people are here to help, I try my best just to focus on me and resting and doing what I need to to feel good in those moments because it's not possible when I'm alone. But then I wonder if I'm being selfish.
Well now with the possibility of autism looming I really need to keep up the good work to continue with Lydia's positive advancement. I swear the girl is a little sponge right now and it makes everyday a new adventure. What is she going to learn? What words is she going to say?
I am sure much like when I was ill as a family we will all pull together and try to stay positive and live in the "now". Lydia is my whole family's "little angel". She's completely latched on to my mom, completely smitten with my brother in law, and really starting to attach to my sister.
She's having a blast getting to know my cousin that comes to take care of us and is starting to open up to her as well. I know our little "villiage" will come together for the spirit of this little girl and she will be the better for it. She is such a strong and bright girl and I know that she will be fine. Her and I are very similar people and we both are very strong-willed and stubborn. I know I don't except limitations at face value and I can tell she is the same way. So please pray for my little girl that she doesn't have autism and that there are just some areas we have to be more productive with.
I go see Dr. Hess (my pain specialist) on Thursday to go over all of my 13 test results! Yes the rheumotologist tested me for that many!! Her thoughts on everything is that it's either RSD or Lupus as well as a severe case of Fibromyalgia. Dr. Toll gave me a list of things to talk to him about that are in his eyes the symptoms of most importance. Those things are lack of sleep (I get approximately 2 or 3 hours a night), restless legs syndrome, pain levels, swelling in my joints and legs, and continuous weight loss. I lost another 10 lbs in 2 weeks, so under normal circumstances, I'd be like "yeah"!!!! Another 50 lbs or so until my goal weight, lol!! No not that much, at that point I'd be a rail, and I like having a bit of junk in my trunk. Or in my case a little jelly in my roll :) I don't get to go see the psychiatrist until June and he's the one who needs to put me on anti-depressants. I am looking forward to see if those help calm down my worries and stress. I know that there are some that say I think about my illness too much and over-analyze and guess-timate the future. But I really think that that is a normal reaction to being sick and in pain and definitely not in "the know". I feel like sometimes because I am so sick sometimes my feelings and thoughts get put on the back burner because it's all just too much. And at that point all I feel is rejection. Being made to feel like a first class reject on top of everything else going on inside my head is just not working for me right now, lol. Obviously, right? So here I go, I am going to keep trekking on in this very important and hopefully informative week. Prayers needed for all of us, please. We all need the strength to get through this exceedingly stressful time. I hope this blog finds you all well. I will try my best to write more often especially with all of the new possible developments to come!!

Hugs and Kisses,
Chrissie :)

What's up with chuck?

I know the title of this blog is a little confusing, but I didn't want to title it "What's up with my puking 3 times a day?", LOL!! I didn't want to scare people off, ha ha! Now, vomiting isn't necessarily a symptom of RSD as far as I know, but it can happen due to high pain levels and high stress levels. I've been experiencing a lot of digestive issues as far as appetite loss, abdominal cramping, nausea, and tushie issues (I'll leave it at that!).

I've lost almost 80 pounds this year and that's with Lucy's pregnancy. Normal women gain 30 pounds during pregnancy and I lost that. But she still came out with a very healthy weight of 7 pounds 9 oz. As of January I've lost another 40 lbs which is when RSD starting effecting me. My body has changed so much with all of this weight loss. I've gone down over 4 pant sizes. There are quite a few people in my life that are so excited about my new figure. And they are wondering why I am not. I think it's because I didn't go on some new fad diet and I didn't start exercising 5 days a week. I lost all of this weight due to excruciating pain. Pain that makes it so I have no desire to eat. I have to force feed myself a granola bar or a piece of string cheese before I take my meds in the morning. Even drinking water can send me into a fit of vomiting. It's gotten to the point where I have to carry "puke bags" in my pockets or in my purse, because of the instantaneous need to well, puke.

My body is also changing so much to the point where I can feel bones that I quite frankly didn't know existed. It's so weird to touch the side of my torso and feel my rib cage or put my hands on my hips and have them actually be on my hips. Usually my hands were on my love handles, lol. But as I have navigated my new body I've found some new discoveries besides bones. I've found lumps. One lump at the bottom of my rib cage, 2 lumps underneath my knee and a very large baseball size lump at the base of my neck.

The skin on my hands are peeling off in sheets as well and I am still experiencing a lot of what they call "allodynia" which is extreme sensitivity to touch. I try to hold out the majority of my pain tolerance for my kids. What I mean by that is that it hurts so bad to be touched so when I know it's time to do something with the kids, I let them touch me, grab me, hold on to me, kiss me, whatever they want and I just grin and bare it. But I only have so many of those moments before the pain becomes overwhelming.

So I go to see Dr. Hess again tomorrow to figure out if there is something else going on that is also adding on a plethora of illnesses. I plan on talking to him about all of the above. I am hoping this time he hears me a little more clearly because last time, I felt that he was going so fast and being such a goofball (which a big part of me, I did enjoy!). But I want to be heard, this is my life, this is my future. And all of these new symptoms are very scary. So please pray for me that Dr. Hess will be very understanding and open to listening to me tomorrow.

Hope you all are well!

Love and Hugs,

Chrissie

The Letter to Normals

This is a letter I found on the internet (auther unknown), but I edited it from my perspective:

Hello family, friends, and anyone wishing to know me,

Allow me to begin by thanking you for taking the time of your day to spend time reading my blogs and getting to know the "new" me better. A person's time is their most valuable asset and yours is appreciated. I want to talk to you about RSD and other chronic pain disorders. Many have never heard of these conditions and for those that have, many are misinformed. And because of this, judgements are made that may not be correct. So I ask you to keep an open mind as I try to explain who I am now and how RSD has assaulted not only my life but those whom I love as well.

You see, I suffer from a disease that you cannot see; a disease that there is no cure for and that keeps the medical community baffled at how to treat and battle this demon, who's attacks are relentless. My pain works silently, stealing my joy and replacing it with tears. On the outside we look alike you and I; you won't see my scars as you would a person who, say, had suffered a car accident. You won't see my pain in the way you would a person undergoing chemo for cancer; however, my pain is just as real and just as debilitating. And in many ways my pain could be more destructive because people can't see it and do not understand...

Please don't get angry at my seemingly lack of interest in doing things; I punish myself enough, I assure you. My tears are shed many times when no one is around and usually only when I am at my limit. My embarrassment is covered by a joke or laughter, but inside I want to cry....

Most of my "friends" are gone; members of my family are starting to tire and I fear they too will abandon me. My illness has been questioned. I have been called unreliable because I am forced to cancel plans I made at the last minute because of the burning pain in my arms and legs, so intense that I can't put my clothes on and I am left in tears as I miss out on yet another activity I used to love and once participated in with enthusiasm.

When I talk to people, many times I lose my train of thought in mid sentence or forget the simplest word needed to explain or describe something. I may not remember what i promised to do for you, even though you told me just seconds ago. I do not have selective memory. On some days, I just don't have any short-term memory at all. As I try to maintain my dignity the demon assaults me at every turn, please try to understand....

Sleep, when I do get some, is restless and I wake often because of the pain the sheets cause to my skin or because I twitch uncontrollably.

And just because I can do a thing one day, that doesn't mean I will be able to do the same thing the next day or next week. I may be able to take my kids to the park on a sunny day; the next hour I may not be able to walk to the fridge to get a diet pepsi because my muscles have begun to cramp and lock up or spasm uncontrollably. And there are those who say "but you did that yesterday!" "What is your problem today?" The hurt I experience at those words scars me so deeply because I fear I have let my family down again; and still they don't understand.....

On a brighter note I want yo to know that I still have my sense of humor. If you take the time to spend with me you will see that. I love to tell that joke to make another's face light up and smile at my wit. I love my babies and shine when they give me hugs or greet me with their infectious smiles. I am fun to be with if you will spend the time with me on my own playing field; is this too much to ask? I love you guys and want nothing more than to be part of your life. And I have found that I can be a strong friend in many ways. I am your friend, your cheerleader and many times I will be the one to make sure you have the appropriate gifts on farmville or make sure to reach out when you are having a rough day. Many times I will be your biggest fan and the world will know how proud I am at your accomplishments and how honored I am to have you in my life.

So you see, you and I are not that much different. I too have hopes, dreams, goals...and also this demon...Do you have an unseen demon that assaults you that no one else can see? Have you had to fight a fight that crushes you and brings you to your knees? I will be by your side, I promise you that. I will not let you suffer alone. I will be there in ways that I can and probably ways I shouldn't. I will give all I can as I can. I promise you that. But I do have to do this thing my way. Please understand that I am in such a fight myself and I know that their is little hope of a cure or effective treatments, at least right now. But I will hold on tight to that little bit of hope, I will hold on like hell. Please understand...that I am just like you...Please understand.....

The Great Escape

Well it finally happened, I knew it was gonna happen eventually. I am only human and can only take so much. I've been like a ticking time bomb, and I finally exploded. The only way I can explain it to help people to understand from an RSD standpoint, is that one thing you experience with your sympathetic nerve, is a "fight or flight" sensation and also explosive amounts of adrenaline. Well the combo hit together at once on Saturday and I couldn't handle my surroundings and I ran. I got into my car and started driving. And once I did I realized, I have no place to go. Driving was hell, very painful to my legs and they started to go numb, so I needed many breaks. I know I am not supposed to drive, I know it puts myself and others at risk, I do know this....now. But not in the moment, there was no logic, no reasoning, no real explanation.

So as I was driving I started to panic because I knew I needed to take a break as I was balling heading down the road. I couldn't find a single empty parking lot anywhere. I wanted to find a peaceful park or a place by a lake. But they were all crowded with people. So I found an empty church parking lot, I pulled in and started balling. I did call my mom to let her know because she was planning on being back to the house at 5 to relieve Chintan so he could go to work.

What I ended up doing was driving to see a friend of mine that I've worked with at a salon for a couple of years (when I could work, that is). I was going through a major heat wave and still going on adrenaline, I had her shave my head. I had her get out the clippers, put on a #6 and go to town. I had my haircut 2 weeks ago and it had already grown well over 2 inches. I wanted it gone. So she calmly obliged and when she was done had me sit in the backroom with an US weekly (one of my dirty little obsessions that she knows all about from work, lol). She was about to close and then took me over to Target because I was in no position to go home. She pushed me around in a wheelchair while we shopped and talked and helped me to calm down.

Usually my "fight or flight" attacks only last between 10 and 30 minutes. But I couldn't escape it, probably because it was mixed with so much adrenaline. I knew by driving and going to Target I was risking people thinking "she's not that sick, she can drive, she can shop" and I was right. I need to reiterate that with pain disorders a harmful assumtion like this can really hurt someones feelings. Just cause I can do something one day, DOES NOT mean I will be able to do it the next. And in this situation, I wasn't driving and shopping because I felt good, it was pure adrenaline that was keeping me going. Adrenaline, anger, frustration, sadness, etc. But in no way was it because I was having a good pain day. In fact the stress from the past week has gotten me so sick that I've been having non-stop migraines, throwing up constantly, insomnia, and horrific pain. I know in my head that "to just get over it" would be a wonderful idea, but when you are dealing with the amounts of pain I deal with on a daily basis, your thought process is completely screwed up. RSD is in the brain, it effects everything. Logic, reasoning, emotions, stress, thoughts, pain, mobility, everything. And I know now why my dr. is very passionate about me not stressing, because this is what can happen. Now I know that it is a very rude assumption to ask the people in my world to try not to stress me out. They all have their own worlds and lives and I would never want anyone to tip toe around me. I WANT so desperately to be normal and to be treated as such.

I know that running away wasn't a good idea, but like I said, I am human. I can only take so much. I am so busy fighting for my rights as a mother and a human that I have nothing left for RSD. My mind is wrapped so heavily around the state of guilt I constantly am in, I have a hard time expressing my feelings and wants. Well this week was horrible because I am starting to always express my feelings. My "happy face" has left the building. I was raised to shove and bury my feelings and put on my happy face all the time. Don't say a thing, it could hurt someones feelings. And as wrong as that may sound to some people, I miss those days. I miss my happy face.

On Friday I go see the pain psychologist, thank God. I know my mom and husband are ready for this as my depression starts to rear it's ugly head and I start to not be able to control what comes out of my mouth. They want to old Chrissie back the one that smiles and says "whatever". The laid back Chrissie that could be talked into everything, she was so much easier to deal with. I covered everything with a joke or a smile. I miss that girl and want her back. My relationships were so much easier, I wasn't a burden then because nobody had to "deal" with me. Hopefully the psychologist can help me find her again. I want 90% of her back, I need 10% of this Chrissie so I can stick up for my time with my kids. But other than that I want to go back to caring about everything and everybody else. I want to be the caregiver, not the caretaker. So hopefully in a weeks time she'll be back. Hopefully in a week I'll have the strength to just sit back and enjoy the ride. In the passenger seat where I've always done best with.

Man, I'm gonna need more than an hour with this guy, lol!!

Lots of love and hugs,

Chrissie

The Miracle Worker

Well I know I am a few days late, but it's been a very rough week so far. But I finally did get to meet Dr. Hess who is an extreme pain specialist and someone who has worked with RSD patients before. He was wonderful! He was almost the male version of me :) We spent a lot of the appointment (which was 2 hours long) laughing and joking. He really was very comforting and seemed very confident.

We went over all of my symptoms and the dr.s notes. And whenever the subject of paralysis came up he immediately squashed the subject. Saying we arn't there yet and I won't let it happen, I am going to do everything in my power to get you well, etc. He said that he has a lot of colleague/friends from all over the world and he'd send me to Philadelphia, Germany, France, where ever I need to go for treatments. He was so caring and sweet. He switched all of my meds and one of the drugs he put me on was Lyrica. When he mentioned it I told him my insurance wouldn't cover it, so he left and came back with 4 bottles of the Lyrica. So kind and wonderful :) He said he is going to aggressively treat me for systemic RSD, but he did say that he thinks I may also have Lupus. I asked him, how is that possible and he said stress. Who knew?

His main concern along with the pain was my stress level. He is very concerned with how tense I am all the time, all the guilt I feel, all the pain. Dr. Hess explained that my body is naturally going to be very tense because of my high pain levels, but that I need to try to eliminate external stresses. When I told him that it's too hard, that I feel constantly guilty all the time...he responded with "Are you Catholic?". Shoot, might as well be, lol!! I know I do need to calm down, I tell myself that all the time. I know that de-stressing is imperative to calming down the RSD and not putting myself at risk for other possible problems. But when I've lost 90% of my life, 95% of the control, & 99% of my self-control...it's hard to watch the life I loved so much fall to the wayside. Like one of my friends so bluntly said to me yesterday "Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill!" Well, if all I have left are molehills, they are going to feel like mountains. I am going to want to hold on to the little bit of control I have left and in my life, I've got to fight like hell to keep it.
So I go back to see my so-called "miracle worker", in 2 weeks. I am very excited to see what he has for me, to find out what all of his colleagues have to say. He's doing a case study on me and this isn't just inter-office, it's world-wide. He's pulling out the big guns! Woo hoo! I am glad that a doctor finally recognizes how sick and how much pain I am in. And it has seemed to be the pain specialists, so thank God for them! It feels good to look into the eyes of someone who just "gets it." It feels freeing, comforting, non-judgemental, and yes, a bit calming.
I am very ready to get this thing under-control, fight the pain with an arsenol, not a brick.

He also gave me some tips on how to get through the most extreme pain....hee hee... As most of you know I am not one to swear unless very mad or frustrated. And most of that has just started since I've gotten sick, lol!! So Dr. Hess, said to let out a good f**k while I am in pain. And mom and I looked at eachother and then at him and both said together "I/She doesn't swear!" So he laughed and told me then to yell GDRSD! GDRSD! Like my own personal cheer, and I am sure you can figure out what he meant by that term. But I don't take the Lords name in vain, so I'll stick to GoshDarnRSD! LOL!!
Love and Hugs,
Chrissie :)

Fighting the Good Fight

Well today was filled with many blessings...thank goodness! Lol, I needed it! It was my 2nd day in a row with good pain. Good pain to me is a level of about 4 or 5 out of 10. It's definately manageable and I can keep a smile on my face all day with it. So today I was able to take Lydia outside to play on the deck with all of her outdoor toys. She was learning to kick balls (toys, I promise, ha ha...), play on the teeter-totter, and walking up and down the back ramp. So when Lucy woke up my nanny and I walked the girls down to the park and there Lydia learned to climb up the stairs on the jungle gym, go on the slide, and she was repeating words like crazy! I was such a proud mama, she is a sponge right now and I love it when I get to teach her these things. It was such a great blessing!!!

My mom also directed me to a new RSD website where I signed up for a membership where I will recieve quarterly newsletters, a magazine, learn about area support groups, hear "hope" stories, and learn about new medical and legislation information. So I was reading the stories of other RSD patients as I am still on a search to find someone with my type of RSD. Systemic RSD is so rare, that I had yet to find one person who's RSD started out systemically. Well today I found her!

It was a mixed blessing. As I read her medical case study I realized her and I are very similar, almost scarily similar. She too suffered from scoliosis, harrington rod fusion surgery, a 2nd fusion, spinal stenosis, and back and leg pain. Well in 1992 she was diagnosed with systemic RSD after having gone through all that. All of which I've had! The dr.s said it made her susceptible to RSD, I'd never heard that before! Well here's where it gets a bit scary; she was diagnosed in 1992 and by 1993 she was quadropalegic and living in a nursing home at the age of 35. In 1 year she progressed that badly!!! And since then since it had spread to her abdomen the pain was so severe it caused complications in her intenstines and colon. She's had her colon removed, has "dumping" syndrome (yes it's just as gross as it sounds, lol), and she's had a heart attack. So as of now with treatments she now has her pain successfully reduced to a level 4 and she can finally be in public again like going to church, concerts, family functions, etc. (Positive!)

Well I thought to myself I have 2 options when dealing with this information. I can either 1, assume I will follow in her footsteps and start preparing mentally for being paralyzed by the age of 30, or 2, I can fight. Fight like hell to regain some control of my destiny.

On the physical side of it, it will be tricky as friends reminded me that I am still recovering from my spinal fusion surgery that has a 6-9 month recovery period. So I will still be careful with overdoing it on that respect, but I am gonna start moving. I don't care how high my pain level is that day, I am gonna take a breath, say a prayer, and move. I am refusing to give up on my body before it gives up on me.

Now emotional, it will be a different story. Severe depression and anxiety are huge symptoms of RSD, so (as I am sure you all have noticed by now) I have very big highs and very big lows. Hello Captain Obvious, right??? LOL!! But I am hoping if my head can stop playing tricks on me and I can just accept myself for who I am now, I can really try to fight this. I need to stop this back and forth crap in my head of the dr.s are wrong, oh they are definately right, well maybe they are wrong. It is very obvious I have this disorder, I just have to get my head and heart to match up.

And spiritually, which in the past (even as of 2 weeks ago) would have been my easiest struggle. In fact it wouldn't have even been one. God is all powerful, he has a plan, I need to trust in it and believe that I can get through anything with him on my side, right? Yeah that's what I've been telling myself my whole life. But I've never been shaken to the core like this before. Even with all I've been through and some of you know all of those dirty details, I've never felt this forsaken before. I think it's because this time I have so many more cards on the table, so much more to lose, so much more to fight for. My girls, oh my precious babies, they need me...we are so close the 3 of us. And when you add Chintan into the mix, we are a really tight unit. So it's time to stop being so selfish and I need to realize that God is a busy man, with all the heartache out there and need to realize I can't be priority #1 right now to him and that's okay. He's gotten me through plenty other things in the past. And I know now it's like he was suiting me with armor to fight this fight. And I do know that if things get really sticky he'll step in and do what he feels best. I have to believe that, I need to believe that, and trust in that.

So that's it! I choose the fight and I'm telling ya, I'm a tough cookie!