My Side of the Story

The words imperfection and insecurity are two words that have played a major role in my life. And for a while there they were the star cast. But now as I am dreadingly approaching 30 my life has taken quite a few turns that have tested one of my players to the core. Insecurity.
I know we are all imperfect beings and I am okay with that. If someone really wanted to dig deep I am sure they could find some pretty twisted imperfections in my past, which in turn has spun insecurity out of control. I have heavily relied on others opinions of me and my intentions to give me that sense of confidence. To a fault I have done this. I believe when people make mistakes intentional or not and they have learned from that and grown, it's time to pack up those mistakes and put it on the shelf labeled "past". Then when you fast forward your life to the point where all of your "big" mistakes are on your shelf, it's time to leave them there. But occasionally you run into the people that can't leave yours there. They pick up bits and pieces of each bad decision and carry it over into your present and then throw them in your face when the mood strikes them. I call these people, cowards. Do you really have nothing better to say, or is your point not strong enough that you just put a label on someone and never give them a real chance to drop it? My problem is that I've let these people decide for me when to drop my own label. I realize actions speak louder than words. And I have tried. Tried and tried and tried. But with what I have gone through, which I realize is very difficult for some to show any compassion or empathy to a piece of crap like me, has made me a million times stronger. And again I have not been an angel. I do forget things so easily, there are days where I am in so much pain I am not Suzie sunshine. I get it I should write things down more, I should perfect my "pain" demeanor to include no slips. Believe me I am getting there. Have I hurt, yes? Intentionally, no.

Then there is insecurity. I have a lot of that as well. But my insecurity breeds from years of being told I am not good enough. Including me telling me I am not good enough.
I swore to myself that when I had babies, that would change. I was doing great, I was so proud of myself. But pain ruled it's ugly head and my life became full of limitations. I will take the blame for a lot of crap in my life, but there are certain things I will not take credit for and that is having a screwed up spine and getting RSD. Those two things were out of my control and to top it all off, took away all of my control. I had to rely on others without having many ways to reciprocate, which has left me feeling like a burden and most of all insecure. But my question to you is where do some find it comforting to throw something like that in someones face? Especially when I would never do that to them. I would never take mistakes from ones past and throw them in there face to prove a point. It's hurtful and mean. And when it's done while you are accusing one of the same things, it doesn't give you a leg to stand on.

Bottom line is that in the last month as I have struggled yet again to make sense of my world and am trying so hard to stand on my own two feet. Kicking someone while they are just getting some balance is low. I am almost 30, I am not ignorant, I am not perfect, I don't intentionally hurt people, I am fallible, I say inappropriate things out of strong emotion, I forgive. I just want so badly some control back, some independence back, I want choices again, I want to be able to stand up for myself finally, I want to follow my own rules of conduct not someone else's, and to top it all of I don't want to fight with family. I don't want drama. My mother, my daughter, and I all are struggling with scenarios where stress exacerbates our situations. I have been trying to de-stress life for myself, my daughter, and my mother. But I am tired of every time I feel like I am doing something good, my actions are called into question. I am not ignorant, but I am not one to follow every social grace out there. I am, by admission, a very laid back person. If I want to plan something for my daughter I want to be able to do it, without having everything pointed out to me that I have done wrong. Who says it's wrong. Life doesn't revolve around certain rules of propriety. I know I don't.

So here I go embarking on another thing that is socially wrong, and I am sure is viewed as narcissistic and attention seeking as I hit publish on this very public diary. Think what you want. This is my life and I will live it as I see fit. I have a very dear friend who is like a sister to me that can tell me like it is in almost every situation, so no, I don't want or expect people to kiss my ass. But I love that while giving me those hard knocks she has never once judged me for my past, present, or future.
So yes, here is another vent. But I needed to get it off my chest right away, because it's just me and the girls tonight and I want to be all the mommy I can be to them. Which in my book, is looking like perfection.