The Great Escape

Well it finally happened, I knew it was gonna happen eventually. I am only human and can only take so much. I've been like a ticking time bomb, and I finally exploded. The only way I can explain it to help people to understand from an RSD standpoint, is that one thing you experience with your sympathetic nerve, is a "fight or flight" sensation and also explosive amounts of adrenaline. Well the combo hit together at once on Saturday and I couldn't handle my surroundings and I ran. I got into my car and started driving. And once I did I realized, I have no place to go. Driving was hell, very painful to my legs and they started to go numb, so I needed many breaks. I know I am not supposed to drive, I know it puts myself and others at risk, I do know this....now. But not in the moment, there was no logic, no reasoning, no real explanation.

So as I was driving I started to panic because I knew I needed to take a break as I was balling heading down the road. I couldn't find a single empty parking lot anywhere. I wanted to find a peaceful park or a place by a lake. But they were all crowded with people. So I found an empty church parking lot, I pulled in and started balling. I did call my mom to let her know because she was planning on being back to the house at 5 to relieve Chintan so he could go to work.

What I ended up doing was driving to see a friend of mine that I've worked with at a salon for a couple of years (when I could work, that is). I was going through a major heat wave and still going on adrenaline, I had her shave my head. I had her get out the clippers, put on a #6 and go to town. I had my haircut 2 weeks ago and it had already grown well over 2 inches. I wanted it gone. So she calmly obliged and when she was done had me sit in the backroom with an US weekly (one of my dirty little obsessions that she knows all about from work, lol). She was about to close and then took me over to Target because I was in no position to go home. She pushed me around in a wheelchair while we shopped and talked and helped me to calm down.

Usually my "fight or flight" attacks only last between 10 and 30 minutes. But I couldn't escape it, probably because it was mixed with so much adrenaline. I knew by driving and going to Target I was risking people thinking "she's not that sick, she can drive, she can shop" and I was right. I need to reiterate that with pain disorders a harmful assumtion like this can really hurt someones feelings. Just cause I can do something one day, DOES NOT mean I will be able to do it the next. And in this situation, I wasn't driving and shopping because I felt good, it was pure adrenaline that was keeping me going. Adrenaline, anger, frustration, sadness, etc. But in no way was it because I was having a good pain day. In fact the stress from the past week has gotten me so sick that I've been having non-stop migraines, throwing up constantly, insomnia, and horrific pain. I know in my head that "to just get over it" would be a wonderful idea, but when you are dealing with the amounts of pain I deal with on a daily basis, your thought process is completely screwed up. RSD is in the brain, it effects everything. Logic, reasoning, emotions, stress, thoughts, pain, mobility, everything. And I know now why my dr. is very passionate about me not stressing, because this is what can happen. Now I know that it is a very rude assumption to ask the people in my world to try not to stress me out. They all have their own worlds and lives and I would never want anyone to tip toe around me. I WANT so desperately to be normal and to be treated as such.

I know that running away wasn't a good idea, but like I said, I am human. I can only take so much. I am so busy fighting for my rights as a mother and a human that I have nothing left for RSD. My mind is wrapped so heavily around the state of guilt I constantly am in, I have a hard time expressing my feelings and wants. Well this week was horrible because I am starting to always express my feelings. My "happy face" has left the building. I was raised to shove and bury my feelings and put on my happy face all the time. Don't say a thing, it could hurt someones feelings. And as wrong as that may sound to some people, I miss those days. I miss my happy face.

On Friday I go see the pain psychologist, thank God. I know my mom and husband are ready for this as my depression starts to rear it's ugly head and I start to not be able to control what comes out of my mouth. They want to old Chrissie back the one that smiles and says "whatever". The laid back Chrissie that could be talked into everything, she was so much easier to deal with. I covered everything with a joke or a smile. I miss that girl and want her back. My relationships were so much easier, I wasn't a burden then because nobody had to "deal" with me. Hopefully the psychologist can help me find her again. I want 90% of her back, I need 10% of this Chrissie so I can stick up for my time with my kids. But other than that I want to go back to caring about everything and everybody else. I want to be the caregiver, not the caretaker. So hopefully in a weeks time she'll be back. Hopefully in a week I'll have the strength to just sit back and enjoy the ride. In the passenger seat where I've always done best with.

Man, I'm gonna need more than an hour with this guy, lol!!

Lots of love and hugs,

Chrissie