Heading in the right direction

Decisions, decisions, what's a girl to do? Within these last couple weeks as my quest for independence is becoming more like a reality I've been hit with more tough decisions that only I can make for myself. I need to decided if I should cut my losses and put my house on the market. I am thinking I may not even have a choice at this point seeing that my sub flooring is falling out from underneath me. A few weeks ago I got out of the shower in the master bathroom and took a step and the floor crushed underneath my feet. Now I know I am a big girl but if it didn't do this 110 lbs ago, why now? So then my next thought was it must be water damage since it happened after showering. I was just sick with worry and since I have no idea what I am looking at or that I don't even know if I could maneuver getting downstairs I decided to wait and have a professional look at the flooring. Well then the next day it happened again, this time in the living room. Again I stepped and then squished. I seriously thought about calling weight watchers that moment. I instantly started crying and thought, "seriously"? This is happening to me? I made some calls and finally a week later a very nice man from a charity program agreed to come out and look at what I was dealing with.
What he found was that, thank God, it wasn't water damage but that my sub floor is just made of crap and was giving out. So he said that my master bath and living room floors needed to be replaced. Yuck. And he said it would be approximately $1500 in materials alone. Double Yuck.
Naturally, I don't have it. Of course why would it be that easy? So the only way I see this working out is that I am going to have to sell and try to find something out there in my price range that is structurally sound.
Now we bought this house over a year and 1/2 ago for $115,000, but we've put near $25,000 of work into it. I know in this market I will not come out even, not even close. But I am having a realtor come out tomorrow to give me an idea of what we can list it for.
Truthfully, I don't want to sell. I love my house. It's so cute, it decorated, painted and set up perfectly for my family of 3. I love my neighborhood, my yard, my town...all of it. But to me there is no other answer.
So I am hoping buyers see that it has a new roof, new siding, new floors in the laundry, kitchen and dining room, new appliances, new furnace, new water heater, new toilet in master, new bathroom mirrors, new paint everywhere, new ceilings, new door knobs, new hardware in kitchen, new garage door and two new windows. And I am really hoping they look past the $1,500 in flooring that needs to be repaired. I don't know if I can just put an allowance in the purchase price or not. I have no idea.

I also have no idea where to go. The one blessing of being a disabled mom is that I can go anywhere. I am not tied to any specific region. I went last weekend and looked at a very cute house just south of Rochester. I loved the house, not so much the town. I do have a good friend that lives down there so I would have someone to help every now and then and also then have some company. *See my happy dance, lol!* Do I sell it and not even know where I am going? Or can I stay and just not use the master bath and deal with a bad spot in the living room? Is that safe for the girls and I? So many questions, so little answers. I don't even know if I have the knowledge of these things to make a correct decision. I am just not finding that I can get answers to these questions without someone trying to sway my decision. And this needs to be something I decide for myself.

This is a decision I need to make on my own with the best interests of my children in mind. I know all of us love our home, but we could love the next place as well. The problem is everything we do is just us alone. I'd have to hire movers and probably packers too because of my immobility and I'd need to have a garage sale to sell my mountain of baby stuff and yes I am even willing to part with all of my Marilyn memorabilia as well. I still need to find a home for my cats or save even more money I do not have to bring them to a no-kill shelter.

The other factor is that if I do sell for the amount I am hoping for I may have enough money to pay off back taxes, some other debts, file for my bankruptcy (mounting medical bills!), and then have enough to put down on a home. Here is another major part of it, if I do move more than likely I would have to move into a manufactured home, because I could buy it outright or they would finance me because they'll pretty much finance anyone. Bonus, I could buy new and not have to worry about major house repairs for a long time; bummer, I'd have to live in a manufactured home community and from what I know of them that they are crime and drug-user filled and probably not a great place to raise kids. I know that it is a complete judgement on my part and probably a huge stereo-type, but the more people I talk to about it the more confirmation on those judgements are coming to light. So I was thinking maybe there is a community more out of the metro that is more family-friendly? Another question without an easy answer?

So this blog is basically throwing out all of my questions and thoughts plaguing my mind right now. Lydia is using the entire house and it's contents as a trampoline right now and everytime she is flying-high in the living room my heart jumps for fear of finding her in the basement, lol! Funny, but true, I know. I need to make a decision quick and in the mean time I have been cleaning and decluttering like a crazy lady getting it ready to sell, because my instincts tell me that that is my only option right now. Also it's helping me keep my mind off that fact that divorce papers are in the mail right now waiting to be signed therefore my marriage is waiting to end.
Too many changes, too many thoughts, not enough answers.
Good thing I've begun therapy....

Hugs and kisses to you all!!

P.s. I am finally one only 2 meds, and guess what they are working and I am feeling soooo much better. Bad pain days are few and good ones are many!!! So lurking among the hard decisions are good blessings...yeah God!!!

Hello Again World

Well today has been a very inspiring day for me. I spent it with my family at the park and also with a very dear friend from my childhood. Which taught me that you never know what God has planned for you. It's definitely true that when he closes a door, he opens a window. My friend came over to originally take pictures of the girls for their birthdays, but it turned into a very active day for all of us at the park. We donned the girls in pink ballerina suits and just let them loose. Chintan and I played with them as we would any other day. We hugged and kissed them a million times because let's face it their faces are smothered daily and have been since the day they were born! It was so much fun to feel "normal" again. It was so much fun, and good..a good pain day.

Writing this brings me to tears because I am so happy. Being with my family today as we played as one and knowing it's captured on film feels so good. I know now that in my most painful days I will have pictures to look at that will let me know that their are more of those to come. I will see the joy on the girls faces, and Chintan's, and mine. That kind of happiness that only happens for us every so often. The kind where any smile is infectious. It was a perfect day.

Because I know days like these are possible and probably because I am spontaneous to a fault, I am yet again going for the gauntlet. I am again trying to get off my prescription meds. On Thursday I went and saw my family dr. and told him that I was having a lot of difficulty at the pain center. I told him I wanted out and I wanted off the med that they had me on. Like I've been saying for months it doesn't work and I don't see the point in taking these meds if my pain is not being reduced. So he switched me to a pain med that is in a patch form not a pill. I thought this could be the ticket, I knew the effect should of been immediate so I couldn't wait to put it on and sit there as my pain dissipated. Well after I put it on, I waited to feel it go down, I waited and waited and waited. Finally it was 24 hours later, I had a bad night of sleep and I thought that's it, again I say...I am done. And this time I am NOT telling any dr. of mine. I refust to be talked back to going on those.

So I am back dancing with the withdrawals, but I am taking a new approach to weaning off. I hope it works, so far it's not too bad. I feel it, but it's not overwhelming. "Knock on Wood", yes please do it...now if you will.

I hope this time I can conquer it. I just keep going back to hearing that narcotic pain meds effect nerve pain. And I do know that my muscular pain is really bad as well. But ibuprofen and a heating pad can at least take the edge off muscular pain. I am used to that, I can do muscle pain standing on my head, it's the nerve pain that's relentless.

I just am ready to do whatever it takes to get my life back. I am waking up and praying for God to fill my "grace tank" to get me through the day. And I believe he will.

This wonderful day has been a god-sent just what I needed to remind me that there is a life out there still worth living in. The girls and I take our walks everyday, but I think it's time to spend some more time at the park. Getting our jolly's out as I like to say.

Hope all is well !!
Chrissie

My Side of the Story

The words imperfection and insecurity are two words that have played a major role in my life. And for a while there they were the star cast. But now as I am dreadingly approaching 30 my life has taken quite a few turns that have tested one of my players to the core. Insecurity.
I know we are all imperfect beings and I am okay with that. If someone really wanted to dig deep I am sure they could find some pretty twisted imperfections in my past, which in turn has spun insecurity out of control. I have heavily relied on others opinions of me and my intentions to give me that sense of confidence. To a fault I have done this. I believe when people make mistakes intentional or not and they have learned from that and grown, it's time to pack up those mistakes and put it on the shelf labeled "past". Then when you fast forward your life to the point where all of your "big" mistakes are on your shelf, it's time to leave them there. But occasionally you run into the people that can't leave yours there. They pick up bits and pieces of each bad decision and carry it over into your present and then throw them in your face when the mood strikes them. I call these people, cowards. Do you really have nothing better to say, or is your point not strong enough that you just put a label on someone and never give them a real chance to drop it? My problem is that I've let these people decide for me when to drop my own label. I realize actions speak louder than words. And I have tried. Tried and tried and tried. But with what I have gone through, which I realize is very difficult for some to show any compassion or empathy to a piece of crap like me, has made me a million times stronger. And again I have not been an angel. I do forget things so easily, there are days where I am in so much pain I am not Suzie sunshine. I get it I should write things down more, I should perfect my "pain" demeanor to include no slips. Believe me I am getting there. Have I hurt, yes? Intentionally, no.

Then there is insecurity. I have a lot of that as well. But my insecurity breeds from years of being told I am not good enough. Including me telling me I am not good enough.
I swore to myself that when I had babies, that would change. I was doing great, I was so proud of myself. But pain ruled it's ugly head and my life became full of limitations. I will take the blame for a lot of crap in my life, but there are certain things I will not take credit for and that is having a screwed up spine and getting RSD. Those two things were out of my control and to top it all off, took away all of my control. I had to rely on others without having many ways to reciprocate, which has left me feeling like a burden and most of all insecure. But my question to you is where do some find it comforting to throw something like that in someones face? Especially when I would never do that to them. I would never take mistakes from ones past and throw them in there face to prove a point. It's hurtful and mean. And when it's done while you are accusing one of the same things, it doesn't give you a leg to stand on.

Bottom line is that in the last month as I have struggled yet again to make sense of my world and am trying so hard to stand on my own two feet. Kicking someone while they are just getting some balance is low. I am almost 30, I am not ignorant, I am not perfect, I don't intentionally hurt people, I am fallible, I say inappropriate things out of strong emotion, I forgive. I just want so badly some control back, some independence back, I want choices again, I want to be able to stand up for myself finally, I want to follow my own rules of conduct not someone else's, and to top it all of I don't want to fight with family. I don't want drama. My mother, my daughter, and I all are struggling with scenarios where stress exacerbates our situations. I have been trying to de-stress life for myself, my daughter, and my mother. But I am tired of every time I feel like I am doing something good, my actions are called into question. I am not ignorant, but I am not one to follow every social grace out there. I am, by admission, a very laid back person. If I want to plan something for my daughter I want to be able to do it, without having everything pointed out to me that I have done wrong. Who says it's wrong. Life doesn't revolve around certain rules of propriety. I know I don't.

So here I go embarking on another thing that is socially wrong, and I am sure is viewed as narcissistic and attention seeking as I hit publish on this very public diary. Think what you want. This is my life and I will live it as I see fit. I have a very dear friend who is like a sister to me that can tell me like it is in almost every situation, so no, I don't want or expect people to kiss my ass. But I love that while giving me those hard knocks she has never once judged me for my past, present, or future.
So yes, here is another vent. But I needed to get it off my chest right away, because it's just me and the girls tonight and I want to be all the mommy I can be to them. Which in my book, is looking like perfection.

Boosting my Inner Wellness

This is my letter to All You magazine for there Healthy Living section. I thought I'd enter my story to see what happens. I figure what have I got to lose!!! It's something I would have never had the guts to do, but lately I feel that life is too short and I think that my story could really help others. And bottom line is that I've always felt the quickest way to forget your problems is to help someone else with their own. And my own issues have been controlling my life way too long. It's time to step out of my box and offer some kind words and thoughts to others, and in the process it will only help me feel better. So I figure this was a good place to start:



Dear All You,

I was just reading my August issue and was reading the health section, which has always been the section I would skim through or just avoid all together. I saw at the bottom of the page "tell us how you lost weight and successfully kept it off." I thought well, I lost 105 lbs, I should write in. Then I thought to myself well, I may not count because I lost my weight due to an illness. But I think I do count because I feel that my determination to regain my health, mind and body should be considered.

Last Christmas I recieved my second spinal fusion surgery due to a very damaged spine rooted from a terrible case of scoliosis as a child. Due to that surgery I contracted a rare and debilitating neurological disorder called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Where my body doesn't correctly heal from injuries and recognizes pain throughout my body that isn't there. It is said to be the most painful condition that exists, surpassing natural child birth on most pain scales. For months I laid in bed and had to isolate myself away from my family. My children laughing and playing, or let's facing crying and screaming caused jolts of pain throughout my entire body and would ignite my "fight or flight" response in my sympathetic nerve system.

Due to the high pain levels and the amount of meds that I was on, I was constantly in a state of nausea and usually if I ate I would directly throw up. Because of that my weight plummeted. I had been about 270 or so pounds. Well now 7 months later I am somewhere between 160-170. I try not to weigh myself too much. I never have but before it was because I was too scared to see the number, and now I don't think I am too comfortable in this body therefore I don't want to be obsessed with numbers.

So yes, I did lose the weight in a very bad manner, but here is where I believe I deserve a little credit; about a month ago I was lying in bed in a wrath of pain, barely coherent and I glanced over to my dresser and saw nothing but a sea of pill bottles. And at that moment I knew I was done. For me, my girls, my husband, my family, all I knew was I was done. I sat up and prayed for awhile for the strength and grace to do what I was about to do. I stopped taking them and immediately grabbed my walker and started walking laps around my house. I did that for a few days until my legs got some stability and I did laps without the walker. Apathy of the muscles and bones is a big side affect of CRPS, so I knew if I wanted to get through this I needed to move. I figured it hurts no matter what I do, so do I waste away in pain or do I live in pain. I choose life. I have 2 small children. Lucy is 11 months and I have missed out on nearly half of her life. My daughter Lydia is 2 and was just diagnosed with a strong case of autism about 4 months ago. My girls needed me and I let CRPS take me away. Not anymore.

I am moving everyday, I get out of bed in the morning and do not return until night. If I need to rest I will in the living room around my girls. I do have wonderful volunteers who have been helping with the kids since I got sick. And with Lydia's autism she will soon have a personal care attendent. The thing that I have to work on the most is eating without gaining all of my weight back. So I do eat, but for the first time in my life I am trying to eat a balanced diet. I switched to whole grain bread, drink vitamin water 0 instead of diet pepsi, and probably the biggest shock to everyone who knows me is that I am eating fruits...and VEGGIES! I even ate raw spinach in a salad for the first time and really enjoyed it. I thought my sister was going to pass out at the news of that.

I had great control finally after months, I was doing so well. Then that day happened, right after 4th of July, my biological father was in town, I attended a family picnic after months of being home bound, Lydia was improving, I was improving, Lucy was saying first words, and then...the unthinkable happened. My husband of 8 years announced over the phone to me that he was leaving. He was exhausted, stressed, and needed out. He said I could have the house and the kids as long as I didn't contest the divorce. And he came the next day, had all of his things in garbage bags and left me. My world was shattered. I hadn't ever managed a bank account, or really paid a bill. My best friend and first love was no longer my friend and lover.

My illness was exceedingly exacerbated by the stress of the situation. I stopped moving, stopped eating, except for the occasional bowl of "comfort me" ice cream. I cried myself to sleep everynight while holding our wedding picture. During the day I was like the crazy lady with the fake smile so my girls would think daddy's just permanantly at work, but the minute they napped or went down for the night, I was a mess. I gave it a couple of weeks.

Then much like before, I dug deep down for the strength and the grace, I started moving again, started eating again. And now I am back to fighting shape. If anything the past 8 months have taught me such a huge lesson in the capability of the human will. I had no clue I was so strong, I've always knew I wanted to be a good role model for my girls, but I thought it would be because of my joy, morals, respect. Once I found out I was going to have a baby girl, I had to shed that "bad body" image. I told myself I was beautiful everyday. My body shape is genetic, so in case my girls were mirror images of me I wanted it to be a positive reflection. Now in so many ways it will be. I am going to be the best role model I can be, and now I've learned I am my own role model. I've really impressed myself in this last year. I had no idea I had it in me. I've always been the "osterich" in life, just tuck my head in the sand when things get too serious or complicated. But not anymore. I am finally able to handle things as they come and with the maturity, positivity and quickness they need. Now I am not only someone my girls can be proud of, but for the first time, I think I am someone I can be proud of.

Thankyou so much for your time and consideration of my story.

Sincerely, Chrissie Patel
Centerville, MN

A Friend with Benefits

No worries, I haven't rebounded that quick. But what I am referring to is a good friend of mine Kelly. I was thinking alot about her this weekend and realizing what a pivotal role she has played not just in my life but within this entire situation as a whole. I consider her a friend with benefits because not only does she have all of the necessary qualities of a best friend but she has gone above and beyond in the last 2 years.
Kel and I could not be more opposite in most areas of life. She is a very responsible, mature person. She is a planner, she is organized, a neat freak (OCD by her own admission), she sees 5 steps ahead in every situation and plans accordingly. I on the other hand am uber-laid back, spontaneous almost to a fault, an extreme goof ball, definately a free spirit. We've gotten into many discussions, debates, and sometimes arguments about our views on life, but the bottom line is that she accepts me for who I am and vice-versa. In the last 7 months as my life has taken an extreme down turn and all has been tested, she has stepped up in ways that are crazy to me. She is one of those "no matter what" types. Just like me.

I've realized that we have many similarities and some probably are a product of us rubbing off on eachother. But the benefit to Kelly and my friendship as it applies to my health and life right now is that she is constantly there for me as I try to be for her. And I know that for sure I couldn't have gotten through this with the strength, courage and dignity that I have if it wasn't for her. We talk probably a good 4 or 5 times a day and our first conversation is first thing in the morning when my pain and nausea is sometimes at it's worst. She knows exactly how to handle it and to get me on the right path for my day. She is almost an intrigal part of my stability right now. And I know most would say that well its easy for her, she doesn't work, she's a stay at home mom. Well I suppose technically that's true except for the major factor that our job is 24/7, stressful, draining, and keeps us on the tips of our toes. Plus I have helpers and she is just on her own. Our husbands both work constantly and she has a 3 and 6 year old. Not to mention she has to be the busiest person I know. There are some days talking to her and hearing her "to-do" list for the day is enough to make me want a nap. She'll notice grass on her floors and want them scrubbed, she is an artist and paints beautiful things so she constantly has many projects awaiting her attention. To top it all of, she probably has the most spotless house I've ever heard of, her kids are bathed all the time, she works out everyday and can take multiple showers. I envy her energy, her drive, responsibility, creativity, parenting, sex drive, her inner drill sergeant, eagerness, but most of all her heart. She has enough love for me and my children to include us in her everyday life. She constantly is giving me advice on how to help my girls, maintain the house, and to be a good family member. And the most amazing part of what makes her so special is that when she comes in to town to visit her family which keeps her so busy, she always makes time for the girls and I. She doesn't just stop by for a visit, she helps me organize, clean, she works to improve my life. There are so many benefits to my friend that it would be impossible to list them all. She can be 5 places at once and can do it with grace and unfortunately the occasional migraine. She strives to make others lives better and I mean everyone. Not just me and the girls, but she puts her husbands, childrens, and family's needs above her own. I know that is one of our similarities. We joke about it quite often.
That is another pivotal need for my life that she fufills effortless for me....laughter. She can find the humor in most anything, God bless her. Me, personally I would rather laugh and make a joke than take things too seriously and she can do that as well :)

And now my gratitude for Kelly is exacurbated because of what she did for me, pertaining to Lydia. When Kelly's daughter Natalie was born 3 years ago, she was born almost 5 months premature. I believe she was the 2nd earliest baby born that survived. Kelly's strenghth, courage and grace taught me that we can handle anything because of our faith. Well Natalie qualified for a host of programs because of her premie status and one of those was the Birth-3 program. About 7 months or so ago when I started noticing that Lydia was acting a little more strangely than uber-independent (and what couldn't be explained by genetics, lol) Kelly convinced me to have her evaluated by the Birth-3 program. For that I will be forever grateful. Not only did she handle me with kit gloves during the process, knowing I would inevitably internalize everything and blame myself, she talked me through it, calmed me down and helped me approach it in a healthy manner.

So bottom line in the last 13 years our friendship has pretty much seen it all. But our friendship is like fine wine, it does only improve with age. Although she's fancy wine and I am a good stiff drink. But the bottom line is at the end, both gets you to your "happy place". Just where our friendship gets me. So thankyou Kelly for being my friend with benefits. I love you so much honey. I only hope I am able to do half of the things you do for me. You have shown me how to be a better friend, and for that...I thank you :)

Your "other" half,
Chrissie :)

A shot to the heart; and who's to blame?

Well, it's offical after all of this time, after all of the prayers begging for it not to happen or be true, it's happened. There has been a death. I've been mentally preparing for my own demise, or my fathers, a grandparent, or the possiblilty of a cat. But no one could of ever prepared me for this, possibly the greatest loss of all; my marriage. After 8 years together, 5 of them married, I can no longer say that I am his or that he is mine. RSD has officially robbed me of my greatest asset, my husband. He left us almost 3 weeks ago and the emptiness is overwhelming. I've never pondered life without him really. I am sure there were times after a fight or worrying about him getting in an accident or following in his father's footsteps and dying young from a heart attack. But to truly sit back and imagine my life without my partner and my best friend was unfathomable. I worried that my illness and all of the stress in our life right now may be too much for him, but he promised he'd never leave my side. In fact he made me promise that I wouldn't die, that I would fight for my health. So I feel cheated, like I stood up, I fought, I fought for our kids, our life, I fought for you. So now all I can wonder is why the girls and I weren't worth his fight.

The easy thing to do in this situation would be to be pissed as hell, cry to everyone I know about how shitty life was with him. But even though with all of the obvious valleys, the peaks were just to great to forget. He's my first love and I always knew he'd be my last and still after 3 weeks I can't picture that changing. He vows it wasn't me, that I was a great wife and a wonderful mother. He says it was all just too much. The illness, Lydia's autism, financial woes, lack of sleep, and abundance of resposibility. That even though I had been feeling better, the fact that my illness truly exsists, I think was the breaking point.

Now with the current sense of abandonment and sadness, I have to be at my greatest. My experience with men has been a sea of abandonment and sadness, so I need to prevent that for my girls. They need me. I need to buck up and manage finances and a household on my own. And prove for the first time a sense of "female empowerment." Trust me I've always been the opposite, I've longed for the simpler days, the days with defined roles between man and women. And now those lines are blurred. I am not only the woman of the house, but the man too. I wouldn't know how to change a lightbulb if a man didn't show me, although that was one area of expertise Chintan did not excel in. So maybe HGTV and the DIY networks need to become my new bestfriend, so I can eventually learn the meaning of true independence.

Life has been a bit of a balancing act, my RSD is back full fledge and with a vengence and I am still choosing to be on very limited meds. The dr.s are a bit worried about it considering my pain levels are still extremely high, but what I know for sure is that it is a state of mind and distraction is key. Luckily I still do have some great helpers and a definate bonus to being a single disabled stay at home mom is that Lydia now qualifies for a host of programs, grants, and disability that she wouldn't of had had we figured Chintan's income into the picture. I now am on MA with the girls too, so that 's a blessing in disguise. And as comforting as knowing that I have that cushion of financial help in the medical arena, it doesn't help that I don't have that emotional cushion that he would have given me if he were here. The thought of having to go to Mayo for "who knows how long" by myself is depressing. Having a hand to hold and a hug everyday, as simple as it may seem, was in itself worth all of the other troubles.

All I know is that in a year or two once I've figured out yet another new existance, I want to be able to look back and tell my girls that I handled this with maturity, dignity, and respect. I miss him very much, but the bottom line is that I am dissapointed in him. I have the courage and strength to stay and fight in my fragile condition, and he couldn't. I don't deserve that. Bottom line is that if that is the man he truly is, then I am better off on my own. Let's just hope that I can be double the man he was, and it's not looking like an unattainable goal.
Peace, love and happiness to you all!!

Chrissie

The Withdrawl Dance

My thoughts through all of this in the past week have been running rampant. And I've found out a funny thing about will. Not only that I have it, but that it truly is a state of mind. I've always admired people with strong wills. I never thought I had it, mainly because my mind is usually my worst enemy. When I know I can't do something, that is usually when I want it the most. But throughout this past week, that whole process has completely flipped, and I apologize for sounding crass, but it's been a mind-f**k. I've realized when it comes to the meds I am on, it's not about your minds will or your hearts, it's about your body's. I have no desire to take any of these meds at all, in fact the thought of having to makes me sick. But my body is so used to them now it is sending me signals that I have no idea what is fact and what is fiction. I still haven't spoken to my dr. about my decisions to withdraw from their "prescribed plan". Mainly because I am worried they'll try to convince to go back on. I am being more responsible about taking myself off the meds now. I've gone down to only 2 meds and am weaning off appropriately. But I desperately want to know what my body is actually telling me. I still have a lot of nerve stuff going on. I am still not sure if that is a withdraw symptom or actually a chronic problem with my central nervous system. The pain has decreased quite a bit, but surprisingly has localized mainly in my upper body. I experience quite a bit of nausea, but am able to eat and use the restroom normally. I slept very well for about 4 nights and then last night was a bit rocky. I awoke to quite a bit of pain in my legs, hips, joints, and low back. That was very discouraging. And I am also seeing my allodynia returning. Clothing is becoming difficult to wear again, wind or air hurts my skin, to firm of a touch definately isn't pleasant. So I just am not sure what my body is telling me. So therefore it's will is out of control.
But I am in control of my mind and heart and I will not give up. I've been praying very hard everyday for the strength to get through eachday. I awake and ask God to give me the grace to get through the day, so I am able to take things one day at a time. I am trying not let my mind win, to place blame, or to hold grudges. I do realize that if I do get better that God will reward me. I will get credit for time served if you will. I will be enriched. Nothing he does is in vain, his plan isn't without intricate thought. So there is a purpose for the past 7 months and for the future, and I trust that he knows best. I know I will get discouraged, that's human. I may question, that's human. But I will trust, and that's christian.
I am just praying so hard that the withrawl dance will soon end. That soon I will know what I am really feeling. What is fact. I don't know how long it will last because I think my body is still just getting used to being on the small amount of meds I am giving it. Ideally I'd like to decrease every week, but I have to listen to what my body says. And I hate that, because my heart and head say no more, but I don't want to do permanent damage to my body if I put it into shock.
I am getting there. I've been out of bed almost the whole week. I've been spending everyday with the girls, been able to pick up around the house, feed the kids, get the ready for their days, and even let Chintan get a little sleep! Slowly but surely I am returning, I don't know what condition I am coming back in, except for one thing....I am coming back in fighting condition. So what ever is left and whatever Mayo finds I'll be strong enough to fight back. (Enter Rocky Theme Song now....) Hee Hee :)