The Withdrawl Dance

My thoughts through all of this in the past week have been running rampant. And I've found out a funny thing about will. Not only that I have it, but that it truly is a state of mind. I've always admired people with strong wills. I never thought I had it, mainly because my mind is usually my worst enemy. When I know I can't do something, that is usually when I want it the most. But throughout this past week, that whole process has completely flipped, and I apologize for sounding crass, but it's been a mind-f**k. I've realized when it comes to the meds I am on, it's not about your minds will or your hearts, it's about your body's. I have no desire to take any of these meds at all, in fact the thought of having to makes me sick. But my body is so used to them now it is sending me signals that I have no idea what is fact and what is fiction. I still haven't spoken to my dr. about my decisions to withdraw from their "prescribed plan". Mainly because I am worried they'll try to convince to go back on. I am being more responsible about taking myself off the meds now. I've gone down to only 2 meds and am weaning off appropriately. But I desperately want to know what my body is actually telling me. I still have a lot of nerve stuff going on. I am still not sure if that is a withdraw symptom or actually a chronic problem with my central nervous system. The pain has decreased quite a bit, but surprisingly has localized mainly in my upper body. I experience quite a bit of nausea, but am able to eat and use the restroom normally. I slept very well for about 4 nights and then last night was a bit rocky. I awoke to quite a bit of pain in my legs, hips, joints, and low back. That was very discouraging. And I am also seeing my allodynia returning. Clothing is becoming difficult to wear again, wind or air hurts my skin, to firm of a touch definately isn't pleasant. So I just am not sure what my body is telling me. So therefore it's will is out of control.
But I am in control of my mind and heart and I will not give up. I've been praying very hard everyday for the strength to get through eachday. I awake and ask God to give me the grace to get through the day, so I am able to take things one day at a time. I am trying not let my mind win, to place blame, or to hold grudges. I do realize that if I do get better that God will reward me. I will get credit for time served if you will. I will be enriched. Nothing he does is in vain, his plan isn't without intricate thought. So there is a purpose for the past 7 months and for the future, and I trust that he knows best. I know I will get discouraged, that's human. I may question, that's human. But I will trust, and that's christian.
I am just praying so hard that the withrawl dance will soon end. That soon I will know what I am really feeling. What is fact. I don't know how long it will last because I think my body is still just getting used to being on the small amount of meds I am giving it. Ideally I'd like to decrease every week, but I have to listen to what my body says. And I hate that, because my heart and head say no more, but I don't want to do permanent damage to my body if I put it into shock.
I am getting there. I've been out of bed almost the whole week. I've been spending everyday with the girls, been able to pick up around the house, feed the kids, get the ready for their days, and even let Chintan get a little sleep! Slowly but surely I am returning, I don't know what condition I am coming back in, except for one thing....I am coming back in fighting condition. So what ever is left and whatever Mayo finds I'll be strong enough to fight back. (Enter Rocky Theme Song now....) Hee Hee :)