A shot to the heart; and who's to blame?

Well, it's offical after all of this time, after all of the prayers begging for it not to happen or be true, it's happened. There has been a death. I've been mentally preparing for my own demise, or my fathers, a grandparent, or the possiblilty of a cat. But no one could of ever prepared me for this, possibly the greatest loss of all; my marriage. After 8 years together, 5 of them married, I can no longer say that I am his or that he is mine. RSD has officially robbed me of my greatest asset, my husband. He left us almost 3 weeks ago and the emptiness is overwhelming. I've never pondered life without him really. I am sure there were times after a fight or worrying about him getting in an accident or following in his father's footsteps and dying young from a heart attack. But to truly sit back and imagine my life without my partner and my best friend was unfathomable. I worried that my illness and all of the stress in our life right now may be too much for him, but he promised he'd never leave my side. In fact he made me promise that I wouldn't die, that I would fight for my health. So I feel cheated, like I stood up, I fought, I fought for our kids, our life, I fought for you. So now all I can wonder is why the girls and I weren't worth his fight.

The easy thing to do in this situation would be to be pissed as hell, cry to everyone I know about how shitty life was with him. But even though with all of the obvious valleys, the peaks were just to great to forget. He's my first love and I always knew he'd be my last and still after 3 weeks I can't picture that changing. He vows it wasn't me, that I was a great wife and a wonderful mother. He says it was all just too much. The illness, Lydia's autism, financial woes, lack of sleep, and abundance of resposibility. That even though I had been feeling better, the fact that my illness truly exsists, I think was the breaking point.

Now with the current sense of abandonment and sadness, I have to be at my greatest. My experience with men has been a sea of abandonment and sadness, so I need to prevent that for my girls. They need me. I need to buck up and manage finances and a household on my own. And prove for the first time a sense of "female empowerment." Trust me I've always been the opposite, I've longed for the simpler days, the days with defined roles between man and women. And now those lines are blurred. I am not only the woman of the house, but the man too. I wouldn't know how to change a lightbulb if a man didn't show me, although that was one area of expertise Chintan did not excel in. So maybe HGTV and the DIY networks need to become my new bestfriend, so I can eventually learn the meaning of true independence.

Life has been a bit of a balancing act, my RSD is back full fledge and with a vengence and I am still choosing to be on very limited meds. The dr.s are a bit worried about it considering my pain levels are still extremely high, but what I know for sure is that it is a state of mind and distraction is key. Luckily I still do have some great helpers and a definate bonus to being a single disabled stay at home mom is that Lydia now qualifies for a host of programs, grants, and disability that she wouldn't of had had we figured Chintan's income into the picture. I now am on MA with the girls too, so that 's a blessing in disguise. And as comforting as knowing that I have that cushion of financial help in the medical arena, it doesn't help that I don't have that emotional cushion that he would have given me if he were here. The thought of having to go to Mayo for "who knows how long" by myself is depressing. Having a hand to hold and a hug everyday, as simple as it may seem, was in itself worth all of the other troubles.

All I know is that in a year or two once I've figured out yet another new existance, I want to be able to look back and tell my girls that I handled this with maturity, dignity, and respect. I miss him very much, but the bottom line is that I am dissapointed in him. I have the courage and strength to stay and fight in my fragile condition, and he couldn't. I don't deserve that. Bottom line is that if that is the man he truly is, then I am better off on my own. Let's just hope that I can be double the man he was, and it's not looking like an unattainable goal.
Peace, love and happiness to you all!!

Chrissie