I am desperately trying my best to stay positive, living by my motto, sunshine and rainbows. I promise you I am. But where the heck is all the damn sunshine and where the bleep is that darn pretty rainbow??? RSD has taken my once happy, bubbly persona and turned me into a bitter and angry person. (Don't worry not all the time!) It's just that I have my days and they are becoming more frequent, and to be frank, it's worrying me.
I'm that girl...that special breed of big smiles, loud jokes, and infectious laughs. It's being replaced by half smiles, sarcasm, and fake laughs. I can't shake it. And now, today, which has been an unbearable low I am am doing the unimaginable, the cowardly, the embarrassing....I am questioning God and his love for me. The one constant in my life that I've been able to turn to in good and bad and trust in his plan. If I have no trust, can I have belief? I feel like he has forgotten about us. We had our hopes and prayers tied up in possible job situation for Chintan that would have really lightened our load and made it possible for us to breathe. Well, we found out today that it isn't happening and to top it all off he informs me that his current employer is really putting the heat on his division at work; no commissions=no job.
I also found out that my nanny and her mother in law are very actively pursuing other jobs to get her out of here all in the same day that I finally got up the nerve to tell my mother that I am definately not comfortable having the girls in daycare.
I am lost, I don't know whether I am coming or going. I know now that I just need to push through the pain and fatigue and just leap back into my life before RSD. Which is bitter sweet. Bitter because I know that it will greatly risk progressing my disorder, but sweet because I'll be back to being a full time mommy plus I can take the stress of Chintan of having to pay for a nanny. I also know that if I let my nanny go, I can no longer go to water therapy which I know is vital to my disorder. But I feel I need to sacrafice myself for my family. I am the one causing all the pain and instability so if I can take it away it will relieve stress for my husband and mother, plus erase my guilt of needing them so much. I know my husband will love having the financial cushion and my mom wants the summer off, so this to me is the only logical solution.
Now I just need to find my way back to God or pray that he will find his way back to us. I am going to need him as I risk everything. I need him to give me strength everyday because he has it in droves and I have little to none.
I just want to go about life like I don't have RSD, I just want to pretend that it's back pain that I can't do anything about like before. I've worked through pain for a very long time and I know that I can be strong enough to handle it. Hopefully with God by my side, if he'll have me back.
Love and Hugs
Chrissie
I'm that girl...that special breed of big smiles, loud jokes, and infectious laughs. It's being replaced by half smiles, sarcasm, and fake laughs. I can't shake it. And now, today, which has been an unbearable low I am am doing the unimaginable, the cowardly, the embarrassing....I am questioning God and his love for me. The one constant in my life that I've been able to turn to in good and bad and trust in his plan. If I have no trust, can I have belief? I feel like he has forgotten about us. We had our hopes and prayers tied up in possible job situation for Chintan that would have really lightened our load and made it possible for us to breathe. Well, we found out today that it isn't happening and to top it all off he informs me that his current employer is really putting the heat on his division at work; no commissions=no job.
I also found out that my nanny and her mother in law are very actively pursuing other jobs to get her out of here all in the same day that I finally got up the nerve to tell my mother that I am definately not comfortable having the girls in daycare.
I am lost, I don't know whether I am coming or going. I know now that I just need to push through the pain and fatigue and just leap back into my life before RSD. Which is bitter sweet. Bitter because I know that it will greatly risk progressing my disorder, but sweet because I'll be back to being a full time mommy plus I can take the stress of Chintan of having to pay for a nanny. I also know that if I let my nanny go, I can no longer go to water therapy which I know is vital to my disorder. But I feel I need to sacrafice myself for my family. I am the one causing all the pain and instability so if I can take it away it will relieve stress for my husband and mother, plus erase my guilt of needing them so much. I know my husband will love having the financial cushion and my mom wants the summer off, so this to me is the only logical solution.
Now I just need to find my way back to God or pray that he will find his way back to us. I am going to need him as I risk everything. I need him to give me strength everyday because he has it in droves and I have little to none.
I just want to go about life like I don't have RSD, I just want to pretend that it's back pain that I can't do anything about like before. I've worked through pain for a very long time and I know that I can be strong enough to handle it. Hopefully with God by my side, if he'll have me back.
Love and Hugs
Chrissie
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Hey Chris,
ReplyDeleteYou are my cousin and we grew up together. I know I have not been there the way you have liked me to be and I am sorry for that. Life happens and it has happened to the both of us, we are just so lucky we have family that takes care of us and loves us so so much. I love you and know you are always in my heart. I have decided to take Thursdays off to help you with child care. I will care for you children every Thursday and for now that is the only day I can but I hope it will help. No worries, no stress. I love you and want to be the cousin I can be for the one who has been there for me growing up. I can start the first week in April just let me know.
Much love and Namaste (the divine spirit in me is the divine spirit in you)
Stef
Oh Chrissie, I don't think you should be so willing to sacrafice so much of yourself. You know that with your back and the fact that you can never have another surgery - that is a huge risk. What if something happens to your fusion?...Let's face it, there are a lot of "what ifs". Take a breath. Don't loose your faith in God. Look at the two little miracles he has given you. Look at my little miracle! Don't forget about the proof all around you...it may be hard to see on those bad days, but it's there. It's there.
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