The title of today's blog is based on my reflections during this week. This week has been a toughy as I start to realize the reality of my illness and all that it means to the ones I love. I was just reminded of how I have a very hard time feeling for myself because I am so consumed with the feelings of others. When you are faced with an illness of this magnitude (or any medical condition, I suppose) knowing how it effects others can be very stressful. I constantly worry about how my illness is playing with the emotions and stresses of my loved ones. And this could be a serious reason I am as sick as I am. Unfortunately the symptoms of RSD are greatly exascurbated by stress and emotions. But telling someone who is going through something so stressful not to stress is like telling a fat kid he can't have the last peice of chocolate cake. You better believe that after you go to bed he's sneaking the last morsel (trust me I know this from experience...I am that kid...literally and hypothetically, lol) I know that my illness is greatly inconviencing my family. My mom has given up her weekends for the past 3 months to be here with us while my husband works. My husband works 2 full time jobs and then comes home to be a single parent on less than 3 hours of sleep a night. My children are being cared for by a nanny and others instead of their mother.
My offical job title is stay at home mom, which I am living up to fairly well...I stay at home...3 out of 4 aint bad, right? :)
My mom has noticed that they arn't being stimulated and played with like they should and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that people feel they are behind developmentally. It's a reminder of how I have let them down as a mother. That the 1/4 of my job title that I am not fufulling is the most important part.
The weight of worry on my shoulders is so overwhelming that I don't have time to worry about the toll it is taking on my body, but I worry so much about the toll it takes on others. We really have very little help for an illness categorized so often as "extreme". It's my husband, my mother, and my nanny having to fill up a weeks worth of work and outside of this house they all have other jobs. I have become a responsibility to shoulder instead of a joy to bear. People used to want to be around me and now they are retreating at the speed of light because some find it too akward. They often just don't know what to say. When all I want is a sense of normalcy, be my friend, like it was before RSD became my companion. They fear telling me the stresses of their day and often say that they know it's nothing in comparison to what I am going through. When it's not true and I would never think that way. It's all relative really. What is impacting my loved one's lives is real and I want to be a part of it and offer the kind words and compassion I am known for. Instead conversations are left abruptly and I am left with a sense of sadness. I try not to bring up my health unless asked, because I don't want to burden people with my situation. So thank God for this blog, I can try to get it all out here so there for my conversations arn't overtaken by my one and only selfish companion. I am going to continue to put a smile on my face and laugh through the tears because I refuse to let RSD be my best friend. It's far too controlling and narcissistic. So where is the positive in today's lesson? This time I am genuenly asking....how do I take away the weight of burden with out being a burden to others?
My offical job title is stay at home mom, which I am living up to fairly well...I stay at home...3 out of 4 aint bad, right? :)
My mom has noticed that they arn't being stimulated and played with like they should and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that people feel they are behind developmentally. It's a reminder of how I have let them down as a mother. That the 1/4 of my job title that I am not fufulling is the most important part.
The weight of worry on my shoulders is so overwhelming that I don't have time to worry about the toll it is taking on my body, but I worry so much about the toll it takes on others. We really have very little help for an illness categorized so often as "extreme". It's my husband, my mother, and my nanny having to fill up a weeks worth of work and outside of this house they all have other jobs. I have become a responsibility to shoulder instead of a joy to bear. People used to want to be around me and now they are retreating at the speed of light because some find it too akward. They often just don't know what to say. When all I want is a sense of normalcy, be my friend, like it was before RSD became my companion. They fear telling me the stresses of their day and often say that they know it's nothing in comparison to what I am going through. When it's not true and I would never think that way. It's all relative really. What is impacting my loved one's lives is real and I want to be a part of it and offer the kind words and compassion I am known for. Instead conversations are left abruptly and I am left with a sense of sadness. I try not to bring up my health unless asked, because I don't want to burden people with my situation. So thank God for this blog, I can try to get it all out here so there for my conversations arn't overtaken by my one and only selfish companion. I am going to continue to put a smile on my face and laugh through the tears because I refuse to let RSD be my best friend. It's far too controlling and narcissistic. So where is the positive in today's lesson? This time I am genuenly asking....how do I take away the weight of burden with out being a burden to others?
Love and Hugs
Chrissie
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Oh Chrissie. I wish I could help more!
ReplyDeleteHoney you do help! You talk to me multiple times a day, you let me cry if I need to cry, you crack jokes when I need a laugh, you distract me from the pain when you tell me about the house and the kids. You are vital to my healing honey. I love you :)
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