This is my letter to All You magazine for there Healthy Living section. I thought I'd enter my story to see what happens. I figure what have I got to lose!!! It's something I would have never had the guts to do, but lately I feel that life is too short and I think that my story could really help others. And bottom line is that I've always felt the quickest way to forget your problems is to help someone else with their own. And my own issues have been controlling my life way too long. It's time to step out of my box and offer some kind words and thoughts to others, and in the process it will only help me feel better. So I figure this was a good place to start:
Dear All You,
I was just reading my August issue and was reading the health section, which has always been the section I would skim through or just avoid all together. I saw at the bottom of the page "tell us how you lost weight and successfully kept it off." I thought well, I lost 105 lbs, I should write in. Then I thought to myself well, I may not count because I lost my weight due to an illness. But I think I do count because I feel that my determination to regain my health, mind and body should be considered.
Last Christmas I recieved my second spinal fusion surgery due to a very damaged spine rooted from a terrible case of scoliosis as a child. Due to that surgery I contracted a rare and debilitating neurological disorder called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Where my body doesn't correctly heal from injuries and recognizes pain throughout my body that isn't there. It is said to be the most painful condition that exists, surpassing natural child birth on most pain scales. For months I laid in bed and had to isolate myself away from my family. My children laughing and playing, or let's facing crying and screaming caused jolts of pain throughout my entire body and would ignite my "fight or flight" response in my sympathetic nerve system.
Due to the high pain levels and the amount of meds that I was on, I was constantly in a state of nausea and usually if I ate I would directly throw up. Because of that my weight plummeted. I had been about 270 or so pounds. Well now 7 months later I am somewhere between 160-170. I try not to weigh myself too much. I never have but before it was because I was too scared to see the number, and now I don't think I am too comfortable in this body therefore I don't want to be obsessed with numbers.
So yes, I did lose the weight in a very bad manner, but here is where I believe I deserve a little credit; about a month ago I was lying in bed in a wrath of pain, barely coherent and I glanced over to my dresser and saw nothing but a sea of pill bottles. And at that moment I knew I was done. For me, my girls, my husband, my family, all I knew was I was done. I sat up and prayed for awhile for the strength and grace to do what I was about to do. I stopped taking them and immediately grabbed my walker and started walking laps around my house. I did that for a few days until my legs got some stability and I did laps without the walker. Apathy of the muscles and bones is a big side affect of CRPS, so I knew if I wanted to get through this I needed to move. I figured it hurts no matter what I do, so do I waste away in pain or do I live in pain. I choose life. I have 2 small children. Lucy is 11 months and I have missed out on nearly half of her life. My daughter Lydia is 2 and was just diagnosed with a strong case of autism about 4 months ago. My girls needed me and I let CRPS take me away. Not anymore.
I am moving everyday, I get out of bed in the morning and do not return until night. If I need to rest I will in the living room around my girls. I do have wonderful volunteers who have been helping with the kids since I got sick. And with Lydia's autism she will soon have a personal care attendent. The thing that I have to work on the most is eating without gaining all of my weight back. So I do eat, but for the first time in my life I am trying to eat a balanced diet. I switched to whole grain bread, drink vitamin water 0 instead of diet pepsi, and probably the biggest shock to everyone who knows me is that I am eating fruits...and VEGGIES! I even ate raw spinach in a salad for the first time and really enjoyed it. I thought my sister was going to pass out at the news of that.
I had great control finally after months, I was doing so well. Then that day happened, right after 4th of July, my biological father was in town, I attended a family picnic after months of being home bound, Lydia was improving, I was improving, Lucy was saying first words, and then...the unthinkable happened. My husband of 8 years announced over the phone to me that he was leaving. He was exhausted, stressed, and needed out. He said I could have the house and the kids as long as I didn't contest the divorce. And he came the next day, had all of his things in garbage bags and left me. My world was shattered. I hadn't ever managed a bank account, or really paid a bill. My best friend and first love was no longer my friend and lover.
My illness was exceedingly exacerbated by the stress of the situation. I stopped moving, stopped eating, except for the occasional bowl of "comfort me" ice cream. I cried myself to sleep everynight while holding our wedding picture. During the day I was like the crazy lady with the fake smile so my girls would think daddy's just permanantly at work, but the minute they napped or went down for the night, I was a mess. I gave it a couple of weeks.
Then much like before, I dug deep down for the strength and the grace, I started moving again, started eating again. And now I am back to fighting shape. If anything the past 8 months have taught me such a huge lesson in the capability of the human will. I had no clue I was so strong, I've always knew I wanted to be a good role model for my girls, but I thought it would be because of my joy, morals, respect. Once I found out I was going to have a baby girl, I had to shed that "bad body" image. I told myself I was beautiful everyday. My body shape is genetic, so in case my girls were mirror images of me I wanted it to be a positive reflection. Now in so many ways it will be. I am going to be the best role model I can be, and now I've learned I am my own role model. I've really impressed myself in this last year. I had no idea I had it in me. I've always been the "osterich" in life, just tuck my head in the sand when things get too serious or complicated. But not anymore. I am finally able to handle things as they come and with the maturity, positivity and quickness they need. Now I am not only someone my girls can be proud of, but for the first time, I think I am someone I can be proud of.
Thankyou so much for your time and consideration of my story.
Sincerely, Chrissie Patel
Centerville, MN
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
A Friend with Benefits
No worries, I haven't rebounded that quick. But what I am referring to is a good friend of mine Kelly. I was thinking alot about her this weekend and realizing what a pivotal role she has played not just in my life but within this entire situation as a whole. I consider her a friend with benefits because not only does she have all of the necessary qualities of a best friend but she has gone above and beyond in the last 2 years.
Kel and I could not be more opposite in most areas of life. She is a very responsible, mature person. She is a planner, she is organized, a neat freak (OCD by her own admission), she sees 5 steps ahead in every situation and plans accordingly. I on the other hand am uber-laid back, spontaneous almost to a fault, an extreme goof ball, definately a free spirit. We've gotten into many discussions, debates, and sometimes arguments about our views on life, but the bottom line is that she accepts me for who I am and vice-versa. In the last 7 months as my life has taken an extreme down turn and all has been tested, she has stepped up in ways that are crazy to me. She is one of those "no matter what" types. Just like me.
I've realized that we have many similarities and some probably are a product of us rubbing off on eachother. But the benefit to Kelly and my friendship as it applies to my health and life right now is that she is constantly there for me as I try to be for her. And I know that for sure I couldn't have gotten through this with the strength, courage and dignity that I have if it wasn't for her. We talk probably a good 4 or 5 times a day and our first conversation is first thing in the morning when my pain and nausea is sometimes at it's worst. She knows exactly how to handle it and to get me on the right path for my day. She is almost an intrigal part of my stability right now. And I know most would say that well its easy for her, she doesn't work, she's a stay at home mom. Well I suppose technically that's true except for the major factor that our job is 24/7, stressful, draining, and keeps us on the tips of our toes. Plus I have helpers and she is just on her own. Our husbands both work constantly and she has a 3 and 6 year old. Not to mention she has to be the busiest person I know. There are some days talking to her and hearing her "to-do" list for the day is enough to make me want a nap. She'll notice grass on her floors and want them scrubbed, she is an artist and paints beautiful things so she constantly has many projects awaiting her attention. To top it all of, she probably has the most spotless house I've ever heard of, her kids are bathed all the time, she works out everyday and can take multiple showers. I envy her energy, her drive, responsibility, creativity, parenting, sex drive, her inner drill sergeant, eagerness, but most of all her heart. She has enough love for me and my children to include us in her everyday life. She constantly is giving me advice on how to help my girls, maintain the house, and to be a good family member. And the most amazing part of what makes her so special is that when she comes in to town to visit her family which keeps her so busy, she always makes time for the girls and I. She doesn't just stop by for a visit, she helps me organize, clean, she works to improve my life. There are so many benefits to my friend that it would be impossible to list them all. She can be 5 places at once and can do it with grace and unfortunately the occasional migraine. She strives to make others lives better and I mean everyone. Not just me and the girls, but she puts her husbands, childrens, and family's needs above her own. I know that is one of our similarities. We joke about it quite often.
That is another pivotal need for my life that she fufills effortless for me....laughter. She can find the humor in most anything, God bless her. Me, personally I would rather laugh and make a joke than take things too seriously and she can do that as well :)
And now my gratitude for Kelly is exacurbated because of what she did for me, pertaining to Lydia. When Kelly's daughter Natalie was born 3 years ago, she was born almost 5 months premature. I believe she was the 2nd earliest baby born that survived. Kelly's strenghth, courage and grace taught me that we can handle anything because of our faith. Well Natalie qualified for a host of programs because of her premie status and one of those was the Birth-3 program. About 7 months or so ago when I started noticing that Lydia was acting a little more strangely than uber-independent (and what couldn't be explained by genetics, lol) Kelly convinced me to have her evaluated by the Birth-3 program. For that I will be forever grateful. Not only did she handle me with kit gloves during the process, knowing I would inevitably internalize everything and blame myself, she talked me through it, calmed me down and helped me approach it in a healthy manner.
So bottom line in the last 13 years our friendship has pretty much seen it all. But our friendship is like fine wine, it does only improve with age. Although she's fancy wine and I am a good stiff drink. But the bottom line is at the end, both gets you to your "happy place". Just where our friendship gets me. So thankyou Kelly for being my friend with benefits. I love you so much honey. I only hope I am able to do half of the things you do for me. You have shown me how to be a better friend, and for that...I thank you :)
Your "other" half,
Chrissie :)
Kel and I could not be more opposite in most areas of life. She is a very responsible, mature person. She is a planner, she is organized, a neat freak (OCD by her own admission), she sees 5 steps ahead in every situation and plans accordingly. I on the other hand am uber-laid back, spontaneous almost to a fault, an extreme goof ball, definately a free spirit. We've gotten into many discussions, debates, and sometimes arguments about our views on life, but the bottom line is that she accepts me for who I am and vice-versa. In the last 7 months as my life has taken an extreme down turn and all has been tested, she has stepped up in ways that are crazy to me. She is one of those "no matter what" types. Just like me.
I've realized that we have many similarities and some probably are a product of us rubbing off on eachother. But the benefit to Kelly and my friendship as it applies to my health and life right now is that she is constantly there for me as I try to be for her. And I know that for sure I couldn't have gotten through this with the strength, courage and dignity that I have if it wasn't for her. We talk probably a good 4 or 5 times a day and our first conversation is first thing in the morning when my pain and nausea is sometimes at it's worst. She knows exactly how to handle it and to get me on the right path for my day. She is almost an intrigal part of my stability right now. And I know most would say that well its easy for her, she doesn't work, she's a stay at home mom. Well I suppose technically that's true except for the major factor that our job is 24/7, stressful, draining, and keeps us on the tips of our toes. Plus I have helpers and she is just on her own. Our husbands both work constantly and she has a 3 and 6 year old. Not to mention she has to be the busiest person I know. There are some days talking to her and hearing her "to-do" list for the day is enough to make me want a nap. She'll notice grass on her floors and want them scrubbed, she is an artist and paints beautiful things so she constantly has many projects awaiting her attention. To top it all of, she probably has the most spotless house I've ever heard of, her kids are bathed all the time, she works out everyday and can take multiple showers. I envy her energy, her drive, responsibility, creativity, parenting, sex drive, her inner drill sergeant, eagerness, but most of all her heart. She has enough love for me and my children to include us in her everyday life. She constantly is giving me advice on how to help my girls, maintain the house, and to be a good family member. And the most amazing part of what makes her so special is that when she comes in to town to visit her family which keeps her so busy, she always makes time for the girls and I. She doesn't just stop by for a visit, she helps me organize, clean, she works to improve my life. There are so many benefits to my friend that it would be impossible to list them all. She can be 5 places at once and can do it with grace and unfortunately the occasional migraine. She strives to make others lives better and I mean everyone. Not just me and the girls, but she puts her husbands, childrens, and family's needs above her own. I know that is one of our similarities. We joke about it quite often.
That is another pivotal need for my life that she fufills effortless for me....laughter. She can find the humor in most anything, God bless her. Me, personally I would rather laugh and make a joke than take things too seriously and she can do that as well :)
And now my gratitude for Kelly is exacurbated because of what she did for me, pertaining to Lydia. When Kelly's daughter Natalie was born 3 years ago, she was born almost 5 months premature. I believe she was the 2nd earliest baby born that survived. Kelly's strenghth, courage and grace taught me that we can handle anything because of our faith. Well Natalie qualified for a host of programs because of her premie status and one of those was the Birth-3 program. About 7 months or so ago when I started noticing that Lydia was acting a little more strangely than uber-independent (and what couldn't be explained by genetics, lol) Kelly convinced me to have her evaluated by the Birth-3 program. For that I will be forever grateful. Not only did she handle me with kit gloves during the process, knowing I would inevitably internalize everything and blame myself, she talked me through it, calmed me down and helped me approach it in a healthy manner.
So bottom line in the last 13 years our friendship has pretty much seen it all. But our friendship is like fine wine, it does only improve with age. Although she's fancy wine and I am a good stiff drink. But the bottom line is at the end, both gets you to your "happy place". Just where our friendship gets me. So thankyou Kelly for being my friend with benefits. I love you so much honey. I only hope I am able to do half of the things you do for me. You have shown me how to be a better friend, and for that...I thank you :)
Your "other" half,
Chrissie :)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
A shot to the heart; and who's to blame?
Well, it's offical after all of this time, after all of the prayers begging for it not to happen or be true, it's happened. There has been a death. I've been mentally preparing for my own demise, or my fathers, a grandparent, or the possiblilty of a cat. But no one could of ever prepared me for this, possibly the greatest loss of all; my marriage. After 8 years together, 5 of them married, I can no longer say that I am his or that he is mine. RSD has officially robbed me of my greatest asset, my husband. He left us almost 3 weeks ago and the emptiness is overwhelming. I've never pondered life without him really. I am sure there were times after a fight or worrying about him getting in an accident or following in his father's footsteps and dying young from a heart attack. But to truly sit back and imagine my life without my partner and my best friend was unfathomable. I worried that my illness and all of the stress in our life right now may be too much for him, but he promised he'd never leave my side. In fact he made me promise that I wouldn't die, that I would fight for my health. So I feel cheated, like I stood up, I fought, I fought for our kids, our life, I fought for you. So now all I can wonder is why the girls and I weren't worth his fight.
The easy thing to do in this situation would be to be pissed as hell, cry to everyone I know about how shitty life was with him. But even though with all of the obvious valleys, the peaks were just to great to forget. He's my first love and I always knew he'd be my last and still after 3 weeks I can't picture that changing. He vows it wasn't me, that I was a great wife and a wonderful mother. He says it was all just too much. The illness, Lydia's autism, financial woes, lack of sleep, and abundance of resposibility. That even though I had been feeling better, the fact that my illness truly exsists, I think was the breaking point.
Now with the current sense of abandonment and sadness, I have to be at my greatest. My experience with men has been a sea of abandonment and sadness, so I need to prevent that for my girls. They need me. I need to buck up and manage finances and a household on my own. And prove for the first time a sense of "female empowerment." Trust me I've always been the opposite, I've longed for the simpler days, the days with defined roles between man and women. And now those lines are blurred. I am not only the woman of the house, but the man too. I wouldn't know how to change a lightbulb if a man didn't show me, although that was one area of expertise Chintan did not excel in. So maybe HGTV and the DIY networks need to become my new bestfriend, so I can eventually learn the meaning of true independence.
Life has been a bit of a balancing act, my RSD is back full fledge and with a vengence and I am still choosing to be on very limited meds. The dr.s are a bit worried about it considering my pain levels are still extremely high, but what I know for sure is that it is a state of mind and distraction is key. Luckily I still do have some great helpers and a definate bonus to being a single disabled stay at home mom is that Lydia now qualifies for a host of programs, grants, and disability that she wouldn't of had had we figured Chintan's income into the picture. I now am on MA with the girls too, so that 's a blessing in disguise. And as comforting as knowing that I have that cushion of financial help in the medical arena, it doesn't help that I don't have that emotional cushion that he would have given me if he were here. The thought of having to go to Mayo for "who knows how long" by myself is depressing. Having a hand to hold and a hug everyday, as simple as it may seem, was in itself worth all of the other troubles.
All I know is that in a year or two once I've figured out yet another new existance, I want to be able to look back and tell my girls that I handled this with maturity, dignity, and respect. I miss him very much, but the bottom line is that I am dissapointed in him. I have the courage and strength to stay and fight in my fragile condition, and he couldn't. I don't deserve that. Bottom line is that if that is the man he truly is, then I am better off on my own. Let's just hope that I can be double the man he was, and it's not looking like an unattainable goal.
Peace, love and happiness to you all!!
Chrissie
The easy thing to do in this situation would be to be pissed as hell, cry to everyone I know about how shitty life was with him. But even though with all of the obvious valleys, the peaks were just to great to forget. He's my first love and I always knew he'd be my last and still after 3 weeks I can't picture that changing. He vows it wasn't me, that I was a great wife and a wonderful mother. He says it was all just too much. The illness, Lydia's autism, financial woes, lack of sleep, and abundance of resposibility. That even though I had been feeling better, the fact that my illness truly exsists, I think was the breaking point.
Now with the current sense of abandonment and sadness, I have to be at my greatest. My experience with men has been a sea of abandonment and sadness, so I need to prevent that for my girls. They need me. I need to buck up and manage finances and a household on my own. And prove for the first time a sense of "female empowerment." Trust me I've always been the opposite, I've longed for the simpler days, the days with defined roles between man and women. And now those lines are blurred. I am not only the woman of the house, but the man too. I wouldn't know how to change a lightbulb if a man didn't show me, although that was one area of expertise Chintan did not excel in. So maybe HGTV and the DIY networks need to become my new bestfriend, so I can eventually learn the meaning of true independence.
Life has been a bit of a balancing act, my RSD is back full fledge and with a vengence and I am still choosing to be on very limited meds. The dr.s are a bit worried about it considering my pain levels are still extremely high, but what I know for sure is that it is a state of mind and distraction is key. Luckily I still do have some great helpers and a definate bonus to being a single disabled stay at home mom is that Lydia now qualifies for a host of programs, grants, and disability that she wouldn't of had had we figured Chintan's income into the picture. I now am on MA with the girls too, so that 's a blessing in disguise. And as comforting as knowing that I have that cushion of financial help in the medical arena, it doesn't help that I don't have that emotional cushion that he would have given me if he were here. The thought of having to go to Mayo for "who knows how long" by myself is depressing. Having a hand to hold and a hug everyday, as simple as it may seem, was in itself worth all of the other troubles.
All I know is that in a year or two once I've figured out yet another new existance, I want to be able to look back and tell my girls that I handled this with maturity, dignity, and respect. I miss him very much, but the bottom line is that I am dissapointed in him. I have the courage and strength to stay and fight in my fragile condition, and he couldn't. I don't deserve that. Bottom line is that if that is the man he truly is, then I am better off on my own. Let's just hope that I can be double the man he was, and it's not looking like an unattainable goal.
Peace, love and happiness to you all!!
Chrissie
Thursday, July 1, 2010
The Withdrawl Dance
My thoughts through all of this in the past week have been running rampant. And I've found out a funny thing about will. Not only that I have it, but that it truly is a state of mind. I've always admired people with strong wills. I never thought I had it, mainly because my mind is usually my worst enemy. When I know I can't do something, that is usually when I want it the most. But throughout this past week, that whole process has completely flipped, and I apologize for sounding crass, but it's been a mind-f**k. I've realized when it comes to the meds I am on, it's not about your minds will or your hearts, it's about your body's. I have no desire to take any of these meds at all, in fact the thought of having to makes me sick. But my body is so used to them now it is sending me signals that I have no idea what is fact and what is fiction. I still haven't spoken to my dr. about my decisions to withdraw from their "prescribed plan". Mainly because I am worried they'll try to convince to go back on. I am being more responsible about taking myself off the meds now. I've gone down to only 2 meds and am weaning off appropriately. But I desperately want to know what my body is actually telling me. I still have a lot of nerve stuff going on. I am still not sure if that is a withdraw symptom or actually a chronic problem with my central nervous system. The pain has decreased quite a bit, but surprisingly has localized mainly in my upper body. I experience quite a bit of nausea, but am able to eat and use the restroom normally. I slept very well for about 4 nights and then last night was a bit rocky. I awoke to quite a bit of pain in my legs, hips, joints, and low back. That was very discouraging. And I am also seeing my allodynia returning. Clothing is becoming difficult to wear again, wind or air hurts my skin, to firm of a touch definately isn't pleasant. So I just am not sure what my body is telling me. So therefore it's will is out of control.
But I am in control of my mind and heart and I will not give up. I've been praying very hard everyday for the strength to get through eachday. I awake and ask God to give me the grace to get through the day, so I am able to take things one day at a time. I am trying not let my mind win, to place blame, or to hold grudges. I do realize that if I do get better that God will reward me. I will get credit for time served if you will. I will be enriched. Nothing he does is in vain, his plan isn't without intricate thought. So there is a purpose for the past 7 months and for the future, and I trust that he knows best. I know I will get discouraged, that's human. I may question, that's human. But I will trust, and that's christian.
I am just praying so hard that the withrawl dance will soon end. That soon I will know what I am really feeling. What is fact. I don't know how long it will last because I think my body is still just getting used to being on the small amount of meds I am giving it. Ideally I'd like to decrease every week, but I have to listen to what my body says. And I hate that, because my heart and head say no more, but I don't want to do permanent damage to my body if I put it into shock.
I am getting there. I've been out of bed almost the whole week. I've been spending everyday with the girls, been able to pick up around the house, feed the kids, get the ready for their days, and even let Chintan get a little sleep! Slowly but surely I am returning, I don't know what condition I am coming back in, except for one thing....I am coming back in fighting condition. So what ever is left and whatever Mayo finds I'll be strong enough to fight back. (Enter Rocky Theme Song now....) Hee Hee :)
But I am in control of my mind and heart and I will not give up. I've been praying very hard everyday for the strength to get through eachday. I awake and ask God to give me the grace to get through the day, so I am able to take things one day at a time. I am trying not let my mind win, to place blame, or to hold grudges. I do realize that if I do get better that God will reward me. I will get credit for time served if you will. I will be enriched. Nothing he does is in vain, his plan isn't without intricate thought. So there is a purpose for the past 7 months and for the future, and I trust that he knows best. I know I will get discouraged, that's human. I may question, that's human. But I will trust, and that's christian.
I am just praying so hard that the withrawl dance will soon end. That soon I will know what I am really feeling. What is fact. I don't know how long it will last because I think my body is still just getting used to being on the small amount of meds I am giving it. Ideally I'd like to decrease every week, but I have to listen to what my body says. And I hate that, because my heart and head say no more, but I don't want to do permanent damage to my body if I put it into shock.
I am getting there. I've been out of bed almost the whole week. I've been spending everyday with the girls, been able to pick up around the house, feed the kids, get the ready for their days, and even let Chintan get a little sleep! Slowly but surely I am returning, I don't know what condition I am coming back in, except for one thing....I am coming back in fighting condition. So what ever is left and whatever Mayo finds I'll be strong enough to fight back. (Enter Rocky Theme Song now....) Hee Hee :)
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