Heading in the right direction

Decisions, decisions, what's a girl to do? Within these last couple weeks as my quest for independence is becoming more like a reality I've been hit with more tough decisions that only I can make for myself. I need to decided if I should cut my losses and put my house on the market. I am thinking I may not even have a choice at this point seeing that my sub flooring is falling out from underneath me. A few weeks ago I got out of the shower in the master bathroom and took a step and the floor crushed underneath my feet. Now I know I am a big girl but if it didn't do this 110 lbs ago, why now? So then my next thought was it must be water damage since it happened after showering. I was just sick with worry and since I have no idea what I am looking at or that I don't even know if I could maneuver getting downstairs I decided to wait and have a professional look at the flooring. Well then the next day it happened again, this time in the living room. Again I stepped and then squished. I seriously thought about calling weight watchers that moment. I instantly started crying and thought, "seriously"? This is happening to me? I made some calls and finally a week later a very nice man from a charity program agreed to come out and look at what I was dealing with.
What he found was that, thank God, it wasn't water damage but that my sub floor is just made of crap and was giving out. So he said that my master bath and living room floors needed to be replaced. Yuck. And he said it would be approximately $1500 in materials alone. Double Yuck.
Naturally, I don't have it. Of course why would it be that easy? So the only way I see this working out is that I am going to have to sell and try to find something out there in my price range that is structurally sound.
Now we bought this house over a year and 1/2 ago for $115,000, but we've put near $25,000 of work into it. I know in this market I will not come out even, not even close. But I am having a realtor come out tomorrow to give me an idea of what we can list it for.
Truthfully, I don't want to sell. I love my house. It's so cute, it decorated, painted and set up perfectly for my family of 3. I love my neighborhood, my yard, my town...all of it. But to me there is no other answer.
So I am hoping buyers see that it has a new roof, new siding, new floors in the laundry, kitchen and dining room, new appliances, new furnace, new water heater, new toilet in master, new bathroom mirrors, new paint everywhere, new ceilings, new door knobs, new hardware in kitchen, new garage door and two new windows. And I am really hoping they look past the $1,500 in flooring that needs to be repaired. I don't know if I can just put an allowance in the purchase price or not. I have no idea.

I also have no idea where to go. The one blessing of being a disabled mom is that I can go anywhere. I am not tied to any specific region. I went last weekend and looked at a very cute house just south of Rochester. I loved the house, not so much the town. I do have a good friend that lives down there so I would have someone to help every now and then and also then have some company. *See my happy dance, lol!* Do I sell it and not even know where I am going? Or can I stay and just not use the master bath and deal with a bad spot in the living room? Is that safe for the girls and I? So many questions, so little answers. I don't even know if I have the knowledge of these things to make a correct decision. I am just not finding that I can get answers to these questions without someone trying to sway my decision. And this needs to be something I decide for myself.

This is a decision I need to make on my own with the best interests of my children in mind. I know all of us love our home, but we could love the next place as well. The problem is everything we do is just us alone. I'd have to hire movers and probably packers too because of my immobility and I'd need to have a garage sale to sell my mountain of baby stuff and yes I am even willing to part with all of my Marilyn memorabilia as well. I still need to find a home for my cats or save even more money I do not have to bring them to a no-kill shelter.

The other factor is that if I do sell for the amount I am hoping for I may have enough money to pay off back taxes, some other debts, file for my bankruptcy (mounting medical bills!), and then have enough to put down on a home. Here is another major part of it, if I do move more than likely I would have to move into a manufactured home, because I could buy it outright or they would finance me because they'll pretty much finance anyone. Bonus, I could buy new and not have to worry about major house repairs for a long time; bummer, I'd have to live in a manufactured home community and from what I know of them that they are crime and drug-user filled and probably not a great place to raise kids. I know that it is a complete judgement on my part and probably a huge stereo-type, but the more people I talk to about it the more confirmation on those judgements are coming to light. So I was thinking maybe there is a community more out of the metro that is more family-friendly? Another question without an easy answer?

So this blog is basically throwing out all of my questions and thoughts plaguing my mind right now. Lydia is using the entire house and it's contents as a trampoline right now and everytime she is flying-high in the living room my heart jumps for fear of finding her in the basement, lol! Funny, but true, I know. I need to make a decision quick and in the mean time I have been cleaning and decluttering like a crazy lady getting it ready to sell, because my instincts tell me that that is my only option right now. Also it's helping me keep my mind off that fact that divorce papers are in the mail right now waiting to be signed therefore my marriage is waiting to end.
Too many changes, too many thoughts, not enough answers.
Good thing I've begun therapy....

Hugs and kisses to you all!!

P.s. I am finally one only 2 meds, and guess what they are working and I am feeling soooo much better. Bad pain days are few and good ones are many!!! So lurking among the hard decisions are good blessings...yeah God!!!

Hello Again World

Well today has been a very inspiring day for me. I spent it with my family at the park and also with a very dear friend from my childhood. Which taught me that you never know what God has planned for you. It's definitely true that when he closes a door, he opens a window. My friend came over to originally take pictures of the girls for their birthdays, but it turned into a very active day for all of us at the park. We donned the girls in pink ballerina suits and just let them loose. Chintan and I played with them as we would any other day. We hugged and kissed them a million times because let's face it their faces are smothered daily and have been since the day they were born! It was so much fun to feel "normal" again. It was so much fun, and good..a good pain day.

Writing this brings me to tears because I am so happy. Being with my family today as we played as one and knowing it's captured on film feels so good. I know now that in my most painful days I will have pictures to look at that will let me know that their are more of those to come. I will see the joy on the girls faces, and Chintan's, and mine. That kind of happiness that only happens for us every so often. The kind where any smile is infectious. It was a perfect day.

Because I know days like these are possible and probably because I am spontaneous to a fault, I am yet again going for the gauntlet. I am again trying to get off my prescription meds. On Thursday I went and saw my family dr. and told him that I was having a lot of difficulty at the pain center. I told him I wanted out and I wanted off the med that they had me on. Like I've been saying for months it doesn't work and I don't see the point in taking these meds if my pain is not being reduced. So he switched me to a pain med that is in a patch form not a pill. I thought this could be the ticket, I knew the effect should of been immediate so I couldn't wait to put it on and sit there as my pain dissipated. Well after I put it on, I waited to feel it go down, I waited and waited and waited. Finally it was 24 hours later, I had a bad night of sleep and I thought that's it, again I say...I am done. And this time I am NOT telling any dr. of mine. I refust to be talked back to going on those.

So I am back dancing with the withdrawals, but I am taking a new approach to weaning off. I hope it works, so far it's not too bad. I feel it, but it's not overwhelming. "Knock on Wood", yes please do it...now if you will.

I hope this time I can conquer it. I just keep going back to hearing that narcotic pain meds effect nerve pain. And I do know that my muscular pain is really bad as well. But ibuprofen and a heating pad can at least take the edge off muscular pain. I am used to that, I can do muscle pain standing on my head, it's the nerve pain that's relentless.

I just am ready to do whatever it takes to get my life back. I am waking up and praying for God to fill my "grace tank" to get me through the day. And I believe he will.

This wonderful day has been a god-sent just what I needed to remind me that there is a life out there still worth living in. The girls and I take our walks everyday, but I think it's time to spend some more time at the park. Getting our jolly's out as I like to say.

Hope all is well !!
Chrissie

My Side of the Story

The words imperfection and insecurity are two words that have played a major role in my life. And for a while there they were the star cast. But now as I am dreadingly approaching 30 my life has taken quite a few turns that have tested one of my players to the core. Insecurity.
I know we are all imperfect beings and I am okay with that. If someone really wanted to dig deep I am sure they could find some pretty twisted imperfections in my past, which in turn has spun insecurity out of control. I have heavily relied on others opinions of me and my intentions to give me that sense of confidence. To a fault I have done this. I believe when people make mistakes intentional or not and they have learned from that and grown, it's time to pack up those mistakes and put it on the shelf labeled "past". Then when you fast forward your life to the point where all of your "big" mistakes are on your shelf, it's time to leave them there. But occasionally you run into the people that can't leave yours there. They pick up bits and pieces of each bad decision and carry it over into your present and then throw them in your face when the mood strikes them. I call these people, cowards. Do you really have nothing better to say, or is your point not strong enough that you just put a label on someone and never give them a real chance to drop it? My problem is that I've let these people decide for me when to drop my own label. I realize actions speak louder than words. And I have tried. Tried and tried and tried. But with what I have gone through, which I realize is very difficult for some to show any compassion or empathy to a piece of crap like me, has made me a million times stronger. And again I have not been an angel. I do forget things so easily, there are days where I am in so much pain I am not Suzie sunshine. I get it I should write things down more, I should perfect my "pain" demeanor to include no slips. Believe me I am getting there. Have I hurt, yes? Intentionally, no.

Then there is insecurity. I have a lot of that as well. But my insecurity breeds from years of being told I am not good enough. Including me telling me I am not good enough.
I swore to myself that when I had babies, that would change. I was doing great, I was so proud of myself. But pain ruled it's ugly head and my life became full of limitations. I will take the blame for a lot of crap in my life, but there are certain things I will not take credit for and that is having a screwed up spine and getting RSD. Those two things were out of my control and to top it all off, took away all of my control. I had to rely on others without having many ways to reciprocate, which has left me feeling like a burden and most of all insecure. But my question to you is where do some find it comforting to throw something like that in someones face? Especially when I would never do that to them. I would never take mistakes from ones past and throw them in there face to prove a point. It's hurtful and mean. And when it's done while you are accusing one of the same things, it doesn't give you a leg to stand on.

Bottom line is that in the last month as I have struggled yet again to make sense of my world and am trying so hard to stand on my own two feet. Kicking someone while they are just getting some balance is low. I am almost 30, I am not ignorant, I am not perfect, I don't intentionally hurt people, I am fallible, I say inappropriate things out of strong emotion, I forgive. I just want so badly some control back, some independence back, I want choices again, I want to be able to stand up for myself finally, I want to follow my own rules of conduct not someone else's, and to top it all of I don't want to fight with family. I don't want drama. My mother, my daughter, and I all are struggling with scenarios where stress exacerbates our situations. I have been trying to de-stress life for myself, my daughter, and my mother. But I am tired of every time I feel like I am doing something good, my actions are called into question. I am not ignorant, but I am not one to follow every social grace out there. I am, by admission, a very laid back person. If I want to plan something for my daughter I want to be able to do it, without having everything pointed out to me that I have done wrong. Who says it's wrong. Life doesn't revolve around certain rules of propriety. I know I don't.

So here I go embarking on another thing that is socially wrong, and I am sure is viewed as narcissistic and attention seeking as I hit publish on this very public diary. Think what you want. This is my life and I will live it as I see fit. I have a very dear friend who is like a sister to me that can tell me like it is in almost every situation, so no, I don't want or expect people to kiss my ass. But I love that while giving me those hard knocks she has never once judged me for my past, present, or future.
So yes, here is another vent. But I needed to get it off my chest right away, because it's just me and the girls tonight and I want to be all the mommy I can be to them. Which in my book, is looking like perfection.