Life...uncensored...

For the first time in this blog I don't know what to say. I know I need a release, I've been encouraged to use this blog as my outlet. My world has definitely shifted, my reality has been realized, and my strength has been tested. For the last 2 weeks I have been so sick, the pain has been outrageous, to the point where I didn't know if I could go on. And all the while as my body is attacking me I am taking care of these two little miracles. I just love to look and observe Lydia, her autism intrigues me. I wonder what her world is like and I find major comfort that through all of this that world is a happy place. She is so bubbly and happy all the time. My little Lucy, now she is the exact opposite of Lydia. Obviously it's because of the autism, I get it! But she is so vocal...mama this....dada that.....I think it's great. She wants me all the time and cries constantly when I can't pick her up. Let me be honest, when my girls are happy and vocal, singing songs, cooing, or just shouting words...I want to run away and hide. Most of the time I have to plug my ears. It's like nails on a chalk board to me. What kind of a mother am I? When holding my children is torture, listening to them is annoying and looking at them is depressing. Don't get me wrong I love my babies, but this disease has robbed me of my entire life, all of my joy, and now it's attacking my spirit. The one thing I swore it couldn't have.
The dr.s are now talking about a fatal form of Lupus. They seem pretty sure that that is my new reality. I am trying not to think about it. I am not googling it like I did the RSD because I don't want to get to freaked out. But the drs. already keep mentioning my demise. I am not ready to hear that I could die. I just want to know that my babies are going to be okay. I want my dreams back. Chintan keeps mentioning that a year ago we had it made. He still worked a lot but I was the epitome of a stay at home mom. I loved it, we had a great time Lydia and I and then when my little Lucy was born...my heart must have grown to make room.
Well now we need to decide who will have partial custody after I die...what a decision. It's so hard. I wanted them to go to one of my besties Heather, but she bravely declined and I understood completely. I just want to scream in frustration, not because of this kids, but because why me? What did I ever do? Yeah I am not perfect, but seriously, 3 diseases at once, while having 2 small children, one of them being autistic. Yeah I am being selfish right now so I can get it out! Because all day everyday I think about the people who have it much worse. But I need to scream and get it out, but I can't it will scare the babies. So I'll scream here; What the Fuck????? Why????? You promised you'd never give more than one can handle...well I am broken!!! I am done!!!!!!! Do you hear me???????????? I am balling my eyes out right now and can barely type, but I know you can see me!!!! Where's the comfort??????????? I know the dr.s have to be honest, I know they have to be blunt, but where is the compassion? I am going to keep believing and trusting in you. You've never failed me before, every time I am in a rut you show me the way out. I've been low before but never this low. Please give me the peace of mind that if I go I won't be in pain anymore, I'll have comfort. Because right now even though they said it's a probability, I still see no way out of this pain. I suppose living with RSD, Fibro, and Lupus for the rest of my life, will be better than dying. Even though the pain is absolutely excruciating at least I am with my babies. So as mad as I am and as broken as I am, I choose life! I am sorry but you can't have me, I am not ready!!! My girls need me! No body will ever kiss and hug them as much as I do, nobody will ever admire and love them as much as me!

This is the most morbid freaking blog, and I am sorry. But I need an outlet. I promise I'll lighten it up soon. I am just very frustrated and angry. I do still have happy moments there are people that can give me a giggle. I do spend day after day in the positive, I just needed to vent.
Again, I am sorry. But I do hope this finds you all well.

Hugs and kisses, Chrissie